I’m no longer needed in the same way: Our children are growing up and I’m still working out where I fit
- Phil McAuliffe
- 12 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Our children are growing up and becoming more independent.
This article explores what it feels like when you’re no longer needed in the same way.
Hello my friend
Our two sons (who are twins) finished school at the end of last year and, after a break over the summer, started university at the beginning of this year.
They are both curious about the world and have a lovely group of friends. They both did really well at school. We're so very proud of them and it brings us such joy to see them growing into the humans they're becoming.
But life has been topsy-turvy around our house over the past few months.
They’re each navigating a significant transition as they move beyond the structure of school and begin finding their place in new academic and social environments.
Not only have our daily routines changed, but the nature of the relationship I have with each of them is changing as well.
They’re adults now, doing adult things, often at times that are beyond my bedtime.
I’m navigating something similar at the same time. It feels like I’m moving from being a parent to being a housemate, although I’m not entirely sure I have it worked out yet.
I still find myself speaking to them as the children they remain in my mind, before catching myself and reminding myself that they need to make their own decisions.
Or they remind me.
Or Jeff – my partner and the boys’ step-dad – reminds me, usually with one of his looks.
This is one of those moments you don’t fully understand until your children are growing up and becoming more independent.
The relationship is different now
As our children grow up, what they need from us changes.
The relationship I have with our children is changing in ways that feel both right and unexpectedly difficult.
They are no longer dependent on me in the way they once were, and they need the space to build their independence, to make decisions, and to live with the consequences of those decisions.
The role I once played in their lives, where I was needed for the everyday things and for guidance on what to do next, is no longer required in the same way.
Instead, what they need now is someone they trust, someone they can come to when they want advice or support, rather than someone who directs what happens.
I’ve gone from being needed to being an option in their lives.
And honestly, it feels like I’m seeing how effective – or ineffective – my parenting has been over the past 18 years.
Of course, this is as it should be. I'm tremendously proud of them and how they're being themselves in the world.
It’s not an easy adjustment, all the same.
Finding my place again
What has surprised me is not the change itself, but the internal adjustment it requires. [I’ve written more broadly about navigating transitions here]
I’ve been so focused on the logistics of the transition, on getting through the end of school and into the start of university, that I didn’t fully appreciate how much I would need to change how I show up in their lives.
I can feel the pull to step in, to direct, to influence decisions and shape outcomes, because that is the role I’ve held for so many years. It’s a role that is familiar and safe. [Letting go of control is something I’ve been working through for a while – as shared in this article]
When that isn’t appropriate, or when it’s resisted, I notice myself swinging in the opposite direction. I step back further than I probably should and tell myself that it doesn’t matter, that it’s not my place, that I don’t need to be involved.
I love them and care deeply about how they’re doing, the decisions they’re making, and how those decisions play out.
It’s a strange place to find myself in, where the old responses don’t quite fit anymore.
I’m still me, but my place in people’s lives is changing.
It’s disorienting
From what you’ve shared with me, I know that you struggle with this too. You’re still you, but the role you have in people’s lives is changing.
There are moments when this change becomes very clear, not just in what you’re doing, but in how you understand yourself in relation to the people around you.
You’re no longer needed in the same way that you once were, and at the same time you’re being asked to show up in ways that you haven’t fully worked out yet.
That combination is disorienting. At times, it feels like you don’t quite fit anywhere in the way you once did.
What I’m noticing
As I sit with this, I can feel the urge to regain some sense of control. I want to organise my way through it, to plan and create certainty in a situation that feels anything but certain.
There’s comfort in that approach, because it gives the impression that things can be managed and contained.
But when I reflect on my thoughts and behaviours, I can see that there’s a layer of fear underneath the urge to control.
That fear becomes visible if I’m willing to acknowledge it.
I’m scared that I’ll get this stage wrong. I’m scared that I’ll overstep. I’m scared of not stepping in enough when I should.
I’m scared of losing my place in the lives of people I love.
Trying to control the situation doesn’t resolve that fear. If anything, it keeps it in place.
Letting relationships evolve
What I’m learning, slowly and not always comfortably, is that this isn’t something to control in the way I might have tried to in the past.
I need to adjust to it.
That adjustment looks like stepping back without disappearing, listening more closely, and allowing the relationship to take a different shape rather than trying to hold it in its previous form.
It means moving from solving to supporting, from directing to being available, and from being needed as a constant presence to being someone who can be turned to when it matters.
I’m renegotiating these relationships in real time and allowing them to evolve.
I’m allowing myself to evolve as well.
Finding my footing
When roles change like this, it’s easy to feel ungrounded.
The reference points you’ve relied on are no longer as steady as they once were.
What I’m finding is that connection plays an important role in helping me find my footing again. It’s not just any old connection, but connection that feels meaningful to me and reflects who I am now, rather than who I’ve been.
I know you’re with me on this, because you’ve told me you’re feeling it too. Connection that feels meaningful to you, and reflects who you are now, helps you feel grounded as you navigate this [I’ve written more about this here].
Time to reflect
I have four questions for you to help you reflect on the changing roles in your life:
What’s changing in your roles?
Where are you holding on?
What needs to evolve?
What's a life transition you're resisting?
A place to start
If you’re navigating the uncertainty of role changes in midlife and recognise yourself in this article, it’s worth pausing and understanding what’s going on beneath it.
It may be pointing to a deeper question: what kind of connection is meaningful to you?
The Connection Starter Course helps you understand the quality of your connections and take practical steps to strengthen meaningful connection in your life.
You’ll develop your personal Connection Plan — a practical way to get the connection that’s meaningful for you.
~ Phil
Comments