The 3 pillars of human connection: your shortcut to meaningful connection
Updated: 5 days ago
What does meaningful connection feel like? Explore three essential pillars that can guide you back to yourself and to deeper connection with others.
Hello you wonderful human.
I start this blog post with some good news: We already know the antidote to human loneliness.
It’s human connection.
That’s good news, right?
It is good news, but the good news contains a few minor sticking points that can be tough to navigate when you and I go to do connection.
The first sticking point is almost always this:
What is human connection?
I’m glad you asked.
Our work here at HUMANS:CONNECTING is built around what we call the three pillars of connection.
I’ll walk you through each of them.
These three pillars offer a kind of shortcut toward meaningful connection in your life. They are not a quick fix, but a clear and purposeful way forward.
Pillar 1: Connection to self
Connection to self is all about knowing you – your values and owning your light AND your shadows – and then being you in the world.
It’s a simple message, but tremendously tough to do in a world which feels like it
wants you to be a certain way. You can never underestimate the courage it takes to
be who you are.
Reflection: how connected do you feel to your authentic self?
Pillar 2: Connection to those most important to you
This pillar is all about how you connect with those most important to you.
You get to define who this is, but it commonly refers to your significant other, your friends and your family who you are very close to.
These are the people who get to see the real you. Crudely, and only because I live in a house full of boys and this is a meaningful reference, these are the type of people who you feel comfortable farting in front of and they fart in your company.
If that’s too much for you, I’ll give another frame of reference as those who see you ugly cry in a movie. They see you – and you see them – without makeup, maybe even before you've brushed your teeth, with bed hair and you can be you and they can be them without the airs and graces.
They’re the people who you know – without doubt – will be there when you need them AND they know that you’ll be there for them when they need you.
Think the people who can call if you’re arrested or need to lift home from hospital after day surgery.
Generally, if you have three to five people on this list, you have a wonderful asset to help you navigate through life.
Reflection: How strong are the connections to those closest to you?
Pillar 3: Connection to communities
This is everyone – and everything – beyond the first two pillars.
These are the people in your workplace. These are the people in your running group. The people who you might worship with or those who nerd out on the same stuff as you.
They’re the people you went to school with or those who you see regularly in the course of a regular day: your neighbours, your bus driver, the team at your favourite coffee shop.
They could be people who share a similar interest as you (such as caring for the local environment) or with whom you share aspects of your life (like the connection you have with other Swifties or members of the BTS Army, if that’s your thing). You may identify the same way (such as your sexuality or gender identity) or follow the same sports team.
These people may be in your ‘real’ life or they may be online.
I think you get the idea. These are the people who are around you and with you beyond the first two pillars.
Reflection: How supported and seen do I feel in my communities?
Why all three pillars matter
Each pillar must be as strong and sound as the others for us to feel connected.
You must be as connected to your self, to those most important to you AND to your communities. Can you see the catch here? This sounds wonderful and inspiring, doesn’t it? And it makes sense.
But, my word, it can be difficult to be connected to our selves. It takes courage to learn who we are and then more courage – indeed, ongoing courage – to BE who we are within ourselves and be around other humans.
It takes courage, and courage can take time to cultivate.
It took me years to own and accept that the thoughts and feelings of loneliness had been a recurring theme in my life. It took me almost 30 years to accept my sexuality. It took me almost as long to publicly admit that I love playing Flight Simulator and I’m an absolute plane nerd.
And while I’m sharing: I also love Coldplay.
Like you, I feared the judgement. I feared the mountain of shame that I did my best to deny, wish away and ignore. I feared being thought of as less than or not enough. I feared being thought of as too much. I hid the things about myself that I didn’t want the world to find out. I pushed people away who I thought were on to me. I carefully maintained the projected image of manicured perfection so I would be seen in the right way.
The world connected with that image I was projecting, but not with me. I wasn’t even connecting with me. Consequently, the connection that was all around me didn’t penetrate beyond the defences.
Disconnection to my self was – and still can be – the primary source of my loneliness.
But I made the commitment to myself that I would show up in life – my only life – as me, just as I am: an intelligent, funny and language- and fitness-loving human who’s a gay, intensely curious, Coldplay-loving plane nerd.
Time to reflect
We never want you to finish reading one of our blogs without one thing that you can take away and use in your life to help you become a more connected human.
Here’s that one thing: reflect on the state of each of your connection pillars.
How connected are you to those most important to you? What about your communities? And the big one: how connected are you to your self?
These are big questions and you may have gone out of your way to avoid them in the past. But you’re here now, you wonderful human, so give them a go.
Pro tip: the key to this reflection is being honest with yourself. And be curious. Loneliness feeds off and grows stronger with judgement; but curiosity kills judgement.
Curiosity starves loneliness and feeds connection. Remaining curious is the way to becoming a more connected human. Go easy on the special kind of judgement you reserve exclusively for yourself.
A place to start
Now that you've explored the three pillars of meaningful connection, what do they look like in your own life?
You might feel strongly connected in one area of your life and want something different in another. What matters is understanding the connection you have, the connection you need, and what you want to do about closing any gap between the two.
The Connection Starter Course takes you through the three pillars of your own connection: your self, the important humans in your life and your communities.
You'll explore what meaningful connection looks like for you and develop your own Connection Plan, a practical way to strengthen the connection you need.
Thanks for reading
~ Phil
Phil McAuliffe is the founder of HUMANS:CONNECTING, Board Chair of the Global Initiative on Loneliness and Connection, and a speaker and writer on loneliness, social health and meaningful connection.
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Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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