Here's how you know you're connecting and beating your loneliness
Hello you wonderful human.
It’s lovely to be with you again.
In the previous post, I shared with you the joyous news that we already know the antidote to human loneliness: it’s human connection.
I then introduced you to the central tenets of our work here at HUMANS:CONNECTING – the three pillars of connection.
To recap, they are:
- Connection to self
- Connection to those most important to you; and
- Connection to community
This is all well and good, but the question needs to turn from ‘what is connection?’ to ‘how do I know I’m connecting?’
In this post, I want to help you identify when you’re getting the connection you need.
No matter who you are, you need to feel connected
As my intellectual crush Dr Brené Brown puts it, humans are social creatures and we are hardwired for connection. We humans need to be seen. We need to be heard. We need to belong. When we feel that we are not seen, heard or do not belong, feelings of loneliness or social disconnection start to creep in.
[That term ‘belonging’ is one I want to flag for future content. It’s kind of a big deal when cultivating a sense of connection, but it’s a whole other topic. I want to keep this post bite-sized… So I’m officially flagging it and we’ll come back to it.]
We each have our own connection needs and preferences. Some of us are introverts, some are extroverts, and some are a bit of both (ambiverts). Some of us are neurodiverse, some are neurotypical.
On some days we want to be surrounded by 150 of our closest friends, and then other days we want to stay on the couch in our pyjamas with the remote and a whole lot of salty snacks in easy reach.
It’s all ok. Connection is like yoga: we get to meet ourselves where we are in that moment and work with how we feel and what works for us.
But we still need to choose connection. That’s not negotiable.
Choose the connection you need in that moment, but you must choose connection.
How you can know you’re getting the connection you need
All connection is great for us, but not all connection is created equal.
For the purposes of this blog, I want to help you identify that kind of deep connection that nourishes your soul. It’s the kind of connection you get when you feel seen and you feel heard. It’s the connection you feel when you belong.
It’s meaningful connection.
I could provide some dry definition – or one that uses many words - but soul-nourishing connection is a feeling that I can best describe from my own perspective.
I’ve learned to pay attention to what I call the ‘spark of connection’, which for me is a shiver up and down my spine when I’m feeling seen and heard by the person with whom I’m speaking and I’m really in the moment.
This feeling is everything for me and is a reliable sign that I’ve gone from a mere social interaction into real connection. The spark also happens when I feel like I belong somewhere, like what I’m doing aligns with me and I am part of something bigger than myself.
Do you get this feeling too? Or is it just me?
Over the years, others have shared with me that they completely lose track of time and they’re in flow state: they get so lost in the conversation or in the task they’re doing that time flies by. They’re so absorbed that they can even forget to eat. They forget to even check their phone. They’re in ‘the zone’. I get into this state when I’m writing this blog, by the way…
Others have shared with me that they, well – I’m trying to phrase this delicately – do ‘excited poos’. They feel the connection happening in that moment as a pressing need to go to the toilet. They assured me that the conversation pauses while they attend to the need and doesn’t continue through the bathroom door.
The point is that our bodies often give us a signal when we’re truly feeling connected: when we’re feeling seen and heard as we are in that moment.
Looking for connection in all the wrong places
In our too-busy lives ruled by commitments, obligations and, well, busyness, we feel that we don’t have the time to cultivate the type of real, meaningful connection that nourishes and sustains us. We want a shortcut to feel seen, heard and belong: that spark of connection/getting lost in flow/the pressing need of an excited poo.
Instead of investing time to get the soul-nourishing and life-sustaining connection we need, we look for connection in convenient ways: such as quick transactional interactions and mindlessly scrolling social media. Don’t get me wrong; not every human interaction is an opportunity to go deep, but some interactions need to go deep. And social media can be a POWERFUL tool for connection, but not when we use it mindlessly.
Remember: Hitting ‘like’ does not meaningful connection make and reaching for social media when feeling lonely, bored or otherwise avoiding something uncomfortable is akin to drinking saltwater when thirsty. You’re drinking something, but it ultimately does you more harm.
When we’re busy and trying to get it all done, we can end up looking for ways to connect that feel like connection, but they’re not. I do this. I know that you do this, too.
Let's get you the connection you need
If you’re new to reading the HUMANS:CONNECTING blog, we never want you to finish reading one of our blogs without one thing that you can take away and use in your life to help you become a more connected human.
Here’s that one thing for this post: what sign does your body give you when you’re getting soul-nourishing and life-sustaining connection?
Begin to pay attention to those moments and notice your body’s signal. Is it goosebumps? A shiver? A warm glow? Does your left ankle itch?
You might realise those moments once they’ve happened and not as they’re happening. That’s perfectly ok, because the connection we need happens when we’re lost in the moment. If the response didn’t register at the time it often means that you were doing what you needed to be doing and being in the moment.
As is our custom here, the HUMANS:CONNECTING team and I want to remind you that you did something brave, courageous and amazing: you read this blog and started thinking about connection and how you experience it.
It’s this bravery and courage that will help you along your path to becoming an awesomely connected human. Now go and do something kind for yourself: call a friend, schedule a coffee with a sibling, prepare a nutritious meal for yourself and those around you are all good options.
And I’m right here to tell you how amazing you are if you ever need a reminder.
That’s it for this post
While we’ve come the end of this post, there’s so much more content on how you can become a more connected human to come.
We’d hate for you to miss what’s coming up. The next blog is going to be in two weeks' time and will be on why we're in such a rush to get back to 'life as normal'. If you subscribe to our mailing list, you won’t miss that post or any future content on our blog and podcast when it’s released.
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Subscribing to the mailing list puts you in control of what you see. And you’ll get a lovely little email from me when there’s something new for you. And you can unsubscribe any time if you’re not feeling it anymore: we’ll still think you’re amazing.
Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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