Letting go of my white-knuckle need for control and influence what’s around me lets connection in.
Hello you wonderful human.
It’s lovely to be with you again. It’s awesome that you’ve chosen to spend some time here with me reading these words about what it means to be a connected human and a human who experiences loneliness.
Let’s get into it with this bold confession:
My name’s Phil and I’m a reforming control-seeking enthusiast
Yes, I’m a reforming control-seeking enthusiast. I don’t like the term ‘control freak’. It’s very judgemental and feels yucky. But I do love a good bit of control. Control feels safe. It’s orderly and predictable.
There are good reasons why I sought control through aspects of my life. I spent a lot of my life living in fear of what other people thought and said about me and how they acted towards me.
I lived in fear of being judged and found lacking or undeserving – of not being enough – and then tipping over into being too much.
Being perfect was the way that I sought to influence (or control) what others thought and said about me, and what they did around me and to me.
Finding the perfect balance of being enough – not being too much and not being enough – is a common struggle. For me, I sought the perfect balance through being perfect in mind, body, soul and deeds.
I was so scared that horrible events in my teenage years would be repeated if I didn’t work hard to fit in and stay ‘in’ (I did an episode of the HUMANS:CONNECTING podcast on this during Season 1. Listen to it here).
I was terrified of being found out – and then called out – as a fraud.
This fear started at university and continued well into my working life.
For almost 30 years, I was terrified of being found out as gay and being forced out of the closet before I was ready. I was terrified that my browsing history, a sideways glance at an attractive man or lingering a little too long at the magazine stand looking at the man on the cover of a fitness magazine would give me away and destroy my life and those I love.
My career in the Australian Public Service was a hotbed of perfectionism, too. Nothing quite nudges behaviours towards perfectionism quite like the intense competition, faux resilience and a low tolerance for failure (or no tolerance for failure) that characterise contemporary public service. The perfection dial was cranked to 12 when I worked in diplomacy, where mistakes were amplified internationally and could be discussed by heads of state and dissected in the media.
Perfection was my armour. Who could judge me if my body was perfect? Who could judge me if I made everyone around me happy and never said or did anything wrong? Who could judge me if I said the right thing at the right time to the right people to get the right outcome?
Being in control kept all that chaos and judgement at bay.
I excelled at control – but a price was paid
If seeking and being in control was an Olympic sport, I'm on top of the dias, accepting the gold medal and singing the anthem.
I controlled what I ate and when I ate it. I was devoted to my routine so I could fit everything in (and therefore not disappointing anyone). I was devoted to my belief that being in control made for a happy, smooth life for me and everyone around me.
I paid the price for this. All that perfection and control fed my loneliness and disconnection. I would be horrible to myself if I didn’t measure up to my own impossibly high standards. I’d feel appalling levels of shame and self-loathing. I’d withdraw into myself if I didn’t meet – and exceed – my impossibly high standards.
Those around me paid a price, too. They had to negotiate and accommodate my need for control. I was fearsomely stubborn and set in my ways. I’d selectively handle truth – or outright lie – to keep staying in control. Many people in my life rarely got to experience and relate with me.
They got the version of me that I wanted them to see or believed that they needed to see.
This fed my loneliness. It fed their loneliness, too.
Besides, maintaining the line between order and chaos is just so exhausting. I was so tired.
Lack of control is chaos
My need for control – and the beliefs that I’d formed around it – quickly came up as part of the process I went through after I realised that I was lonely and needed to connect with myself, those most important to me and to my communities.
I was lovingly told that I needed to let go and allow what is to be.
This was not fun. It was decidedly uncomfortable and unfun. Honestly, it was shit.
I hated the advice, ‘You just need to let go and trust that it’ll all work out’. Hated it.
‘Just letting go’ felt like opening Pandora’s box and letting chaos reign. Could I let go enough so I could allow what is to happen, happen but still have control? Could I control how the air left the balloon rather than popping it?
I tried that approach for a while.
It didn’t work.
Classic Stoicism to the rescue
The universe has been nudging me towards letting go over the past few years. Sometimes it’s a nudge. Other times the nudge is replaced with a slap around the head with the cold, dead fish of reality.
I find great comfort in the tenet of classic Stoic philosophy that says that I cannot control circumstances or events, but I can always control how I respond.
In other words: the only thing that I can control are my words, thoughts and actions.
There’s a freedom in this, isn’t there? I cannot control how you receive the words in this article, but I can choose the words I use, how I choose to use them and where I share them, so you might see them.
But it’s also scary and it takes courage to back myself – to trust myself – that I can respond to what comes my way.
I’m learning that it’s powerful to decide how I will show up each day. I’ve been consciously choosing to show up in service: within the work here at HUMANS:CONNECTING and in my interactions with other humans and within myself.
I can’t control how my body looks, but I can choose to nourish it, challenge it, move it and care for it and let that be enough.
What I’m learning (so far)
I’m learning a lot of things with the focus on letting go and allowing what is to be when I respond only seeking to control my own words, thoughts and actions. Here are some of them:
It’s still scary.
It feels like there’s a whole lot more grace, ease and joy in my life. I always feel like I had more compassion for others, but I’m giving myself compassion before I give it to others. Being gentle on myself allows me to experience joy. This is a big change for me.
I’m learning that my ambitions for the work we’re doing at HUMANS:CONNECTING can still be big, but don’t need to come at the expense of being present and open to the opportunities that we could never imagine. Indeed, some of the wonderful opportunities that have come our way over the past months have come completely out of the blue.
And the biggest one:
letting go of my need to control what’s happening and when it happens allows space and time for connection. The connection that I need only ever happens in the present moment.
Finally, I don’t feel like an enlightened connection guru who’s cured my enthusiasm for control. I am a reforming control-seeking enthusiast, after all.
I intentionally practice letting go each day. Some days are better than others, but there are more good days than not. Indeed, when I notice the urge to control what’s happening beyond me, it’s often a sign that I’m beginning to wade into a loneliness experience because I’m not being open to connection.
Let’s end your loneliness
We at HUMANS:CONNECTING never want you to close any of our content without something to help you end your loneliness and feed connection.
At the end of this article, I invite you to reflect on this question:
How does seeking control of what’s happening around you and within you feed your loneliness?
It takes courage to let go and allow what is to be. You may get a sense as you sit with that question and what it means for you that courage is needed to release the grip you have on keeping things in your life just so.
You’re braver and more courageous than you’ll ever give yourself credit for. How do I know this?
You’re here reading these words to the end of the article.
That’s it for this post
We’ve got some great content coming in the next few weeks to help you become a more connected human. The next article is on the concept of belonging and how it’s the key to connection.
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Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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