Your guide to connecting with flaky people

Here are 6 tips to help you navigate the frustrations of connecting with flaky people

Flakiness is so frustrating, isn't it?

Hello, you wonderful human.

Flaky people – those who never really commit to anything or never show up after saying that they’d be there – are a frustrating reality when you want to connect with other people.

Even when they are with you, they’re probably not there, as they’re probably on their phone organising what’s next. If they’re not on their phone, they may be looking around the bar or coffee shop to see what else is going on or who else is there.

I’ve got 6 tips for you to help you navigate those frustrations and help you get the connection that you need and deserve.

Ready? Let’s go.

1.     Flakiness is a symptom of loneliness

I want to provide some context, because it’s useful to know why people can be flaky. Flaky people are perpetually looking for what’s next or who’s next. They’re non-committal. They won’t give you a definite answer until they know that there’s no better offer coming.

Flaky people often change jobs and relationships. They can travel to – or possibly relocate to – new cities, states, countries often.

Flaky people want to be seen and heard doing the right things at the right places with the right people.

Their loneliness – or any other deeper emotion – is hard to see at first, because they barely stick around long enough for you to see it.

While flaky people want to be seen and heard, they’re terrified of being seen and being heard. It’s a common paradox of loneliness.

Flaky people move on when they feel too seen and too understood. They fear that if you see them for who they are behind the carefully constructed masks they wear, you’ll judge them and they won’t be found worthy.

This fear fuels their loneliness. They are on a constant quest for belonging and acceptance, but don’t spend enough time anywhere to feel that belonging and acceptance.

Image: canva.com

Their loneliness can shift when they begin to take off their masks and allow themselves – and a few others – to see them for the awesomely and beautifully flawed human they are. 

2.     Know why you want to see them

Spend a few moments pondering this question before you reach out. Are you wanting to connect with them out of obligation, because you feel you should?

Do you genuinely want to catch up and feel connected with them? 

Get clear on why you want to see them.

Obligation is rarely sexy. Obligation sounds like should, must, got to, have to… Acting out of obligation is often at the foundation of resentment and frustration. More on resentment shortly.

3.     Accept them as they are

A flaky person isn’t going to change until they want to. Indeed, they may want to spend time with you, but they may cancel plans at the last minute out of fear that you will really see them and really hear them.

It’s that paradox from earlier: They want to be seen and heard, but they don’t want to be seen and heard.

They may feel too seen and too heard when with you. It may be that a one-on-one conversation over a coffee will be too intense for them. They may feel more comfortable connecting in a group setting. 

4.     Let them know how you feel

You’re a good human and I know that you want to accept them as they are. But you’re also worthy of having people in your life know how you feel. If their flakiness means that you feel let down or disappointed, tell them.

Be clear when you tell them how their behaviour affects you. Avoid passive aggression, jokes or sarcasm, because they are cruel.

Clarity can sound like: ‘I was disappointed when you said that you couldn’t meet me for coffee five minutes before we met. I was looking forward to seeing you. What happened?’

How they respond to that is on them, not you.    

5.     No unspoken expectations

As you prepare to organise to catch up with someone who you know to be flaky, check your expectations.

Unspoken expectations trip me up every time. They are the source of many of my frustrations and resentments. I’ve learned that there is power in speaking those expectations aloud; to myself and to others.

What are you expecting from your connection bid? What expectations do you have for yourself? What are your expectations on them?

Are they realistic?

Do you expect the flaky person to be punctual? Is this a time when neither of you will be on your phone? Voice those expectations aloud to you and to them.

I appreciate that this could put you at your edge and be very uncomfortable for you. I’m ok with that, because you get to choose your discomfort: the discomfort of voicing your expectations up front or the discomfort of disappointment and resentment later when your expectations aren’t met. 

I find this to be powerful: Let them know that you would rather that they said no to your connection request than a non-committal, mealy-mouthed yes that they’d be looking for reasons to get out of.

Remember, if it’s not a ‘fuck yes!’, it’s a ‘no’. 

6.     You deserve other people’s best

I know that you want to connect. I know that you want to feel connected to your authentic self, to those most important to you and to your communities.

That you want that is awesome.

You’re worthy of having people show up for you in the same way that you show up for others. You deserve other people’s best.

Read that again.

If your attempts to connect are not being met with love, support and enthusiasm, then you’re getting some information back: They may not be your people.

As the late Dr Maya Angelou said: ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than they are.’

Sometimes the people around you will step up and step in, sometimes they don’t. This may be a tough realisation, and you may not want it to be true. This is the conundrum – the challenge – of choosing connection as you are in this moment.

But that’s key: choose connection as you are in this moment, because the connection you get back is the connection you need.

You’re worthy of having that soul-nourishing connection in your life.

Let’s end your loneliness  

Try these tips when you next try to connect with someone in your life who’s flaky.

You’ve now got awareness of how their flakiness can be a symptom of their loneliness and ways that you could still catch up with them in a less-threatening environment for them.

But there’s a line, and you’re worthy of having them show up for you in the same way that you’d show up for them. Getting clear on your expectations and then communicating them is key.

Let us know how you go.

That’s it for this post

Thank you for taking some time out of your day to read these words. We provide them to serve, support, challenge and inspire you as you become a more connected human.

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Until next time, be awesomely you.

~ Phil  

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Important:

All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.

If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.