Making new friends as an adult is awkward. You must keep showing up
- Phil McAuliffe
- Nov 30
- 8 min read
Making new friends as an adult is weird and awkward.
Here’s how you can move through awkward moments, the ‘familiarity dip’, and anxiety - and why persistence matters.
Hello, my friend
Sometimes life puts us in circumstances where we need to put ourselves out there and make some new friends. Perhaps you’ve moved cities or countries, started a new job, recently divorced, retired, or a partner has recently passed.
However you arrived in this circumstance, you’re in the position where you know that you need to make new friends and connections.
You’re smart. You’ve likely already seen some great advice on the internet or from people around you. Advice like ‘put yourself out there’ and ‘do something that you love and do it with other people’.
All great advice, but it focuses on what you need to do but doesn’t give you how to do it.
After all, making new friends as an adult can feel overwhelming. Here’s the secret ingredient for how you make new friendships and connections: persistence.
Making new friends and connections isn’t always fun
Let’s face it, making new friends and connections is not always a great experience. It puts us at the edge of our comfort zones. There are awkward conversations, understanding new social dynamics and just the sheer discomfort of walking into new spaces where you don’t know anyone.
It sucks.
But the only way through the sheer suckiness is to move through it.
That’s where persistence is needed.
Take a step back: why persistence matters when making new friends
Building new friendships takes repetition and showing up.
Dr Miriam Kirmayer explains why persistence – or frequency and regularity – is important in making new friendships and social connections in this clip from episode 12 of the HUMANS:CONNECTING podcast.
My reflections: persistence in action
The first time: courage, nerves and showing up
Well done! You’ve signed up for the new thing: the class, the meeting, the event. Signing up to do something new takes courage.
A variety of thoughts and feelings creep in as the event draws closer. There’s nervousness – perhaps even anxiety – of something terrible happening as you enter the space filled with unfamiliar people and their unfamiliar ways.
Like, you may open your mouth to introduce yourself to someone and you accidentally burp instead. (if that happened when you introduced yourself to me, we’d become instant besties).
You’re nervous, excited, and apprehensive all at once, torn between wanting to go to the event and staying at home in your comfy pants scrolling on your phone.
But you do go to the event, and you meet some lovely people. They’re kind and go out of their way to make you feel welcome and comfortable. You have a great time and even feel the spark of connection with a few people and with what you’re doing [that spark of connection is so important. I explain what it is and why it’s important in this article].
You’re so pleased with yourself. Rightly so. You did a brave and courageous thing. You chose connection and you did connection (and not just thought about it). You’re looking forward to the next gathering next week.
You feel that this is somewhere you can belong, which you know as a reader of this blog is important to your social wellbeing. You may even buy the group’s merchandise.
The second time: understanding the ‘familiarity dip’
The day of the second gathering arrives. You’re excited rather than nervous. You’re looking forward to seeing the people you met last time and picking up conversations where you left off.
At first, everything feels familiar, and none of the nerves from your first visit return. But then you notice something: there’s a new group of people. The people you met and connected with last time aren’t there. Different people are.
The vibe feels off. Conversations peter out, and you can’t quite explain why; it just doesn’t feel the same.
This is what I call the familiarity dip - the moment when the novelty of your first encounter has worn off, but comfort and connection haven’t fully formed yet.
This is not a universal law but seems to be a very common experience.
You leave the event feeling dejected, questioning whether you should go back next time. But it’s exactly at this point that persistence matters most. Your connection needs are too important to give up now.
Should you go back? (the answer is yes)
You think about the second time over the next few days and the thoughts about whether this is the right place for you enter your mind. The thoughts about this space not being right for you are compelling: you’ve found another space where you don’t quite fit. You don’t want to go back.
But I’m not allowing you to give up. Your connection needs are too important to give up at this point.
Read on for some great advice.
It’s time to dig deep: how to persist when social anxiety shows up
Persist and trust the process
This piece of advice cannot come as a surprise.
You must persist through the awkwardness and weirdness. You must trust the process. You must.
Doing anything new, like cooking a new recipe, beginning to train for your first 10K run, or planting a seed, requires time, effort, and trust in the process; even when it gets tough.
Indeed, gardening provides a helpful analogy: you’ve planted social seeds. You can’t see what they’re doing underground – you hope that they’re doing something, but you can’t be sure. But you know that you must persist with watering them. You nourish and care for them even though you cannot see what they’re doing. You’re challenged by what you cannot see, but you trust that your efforts are helping the seed you’ve planted come to life.
Give connection the chance to take root.
You will feel anxious
Anxiety will be present as you embark on doing something different. It’s normal to feel anxious when you’re trying to meet new people.
At its core, anxiety is trying to keep you safe from threats it perceives all around you. It wants you to avoid situations that might feel uncomfortable or risky.
You may also notice self-judgement creeping in: thoughts like ‘This should be easier’ or ‘I shouldn’t need to do this.’
Instead of judging yourself, replace those thoughts with curiosity and acceptance. Curiosity loves the word how
‘How can I show up as me today?’ or ‘How can I learn more about what Dave said he does when I met him?’
Your anxiety does not want you to show up so you avoid something that might happen. Remember, we saw in this article that loneliness and anxiety have a symbiotic relationship. They dance together.
Interrupt anxiety and loneliness stops dancing. Interrupt loneliness and anxiety quietens. Connection is something that silences both at once.
Know your connection needs and focus on them
What are your connection needs? What connection lights you up and nourishes you?
If you don’t know your connection needs, how do you know if what you’re doing is meeting them?
It might be that you’re in a space that doesn’t meet your connection needs.
Once you do know your connection needs according to the three pillars of connection (a critical connection concept explored in this article), keep a laser-like focus on them. They provide your why when the what and the how get tough. Note: it’s rare that someone or something meets all our connection needs. Our connection needs are likely met in many different ways.
Allow things to stabilise – for everyone
By its very nature, change is destabilising. In this instance, the change that you’ve made in doing connection is destabilising for you AND those you’re interacting with.
This disruption is not a bad thing. It simply means that you’re putting yourself into a new social structure and it’s influencing you just as much as you’re influencing it.
Over time, things will settle down and stabilise. You’ll feel more comfortable and those new around you will also feel more comfortable.
But that’s the thing: over time.
Persist.
Commit to six months
Persistence requires commitment, so commit.
Going to a gathering or doing an activity once or twice rarely gives you an accurate idea of how things are.
Commit to doing something for six months and then assess whether it’s for you.
This period allows you to make decisions without the undue and outsized influence of anxiety looming over you and your thoughts.
Stay courageous
It takes courage to act upon a decision to do something new. It takes courage to show up and to keep showing up.
Making social faux pas and feeling foolish and still showing up takes courage. Persistence takes courage.
Go gently, but still show up
If you’re like me, you can put yourself under enormous pressure to get every interaction right. Connection does not work like that. Connection takes patience and persistence. Connection requires you to be present in the moment and respond to what’s happening in real time.
This can be exhausting.
Be kind and gentle on yourself. Practice as much self-care as you need to feel replenished.
But self-care is not an excuse to avoid doing connection. You still need to show up.
Returning for the third time
This is often the moment when adult friendships start to take root. Here’s why.
The relief of familiarity
After the weirdness and awkwardness of the second time, you return for the third, warily but courageously. You’ve won over your doubt and anxiety, and you’ve shown up.
Look at you, being all persistent and stuff. Well done!
To your relief, you see familiar faces. You’re happy to see them and they are happy to see you, too. Within moments, you’ve forgotten the turmoil of the past week, you’re having fun, and feeling connected.
When the event ends, you reflect on the fun you had. You realise that you’re so glad that you showed up this week.
You’re so glad you persisted.
Get more great advice and support
For more ideas and perspectives on social connection and the loneliness we experience when we feel disconnected, check out all our content at HUMANS:CONNECTING
Our blog articles and podcast episodes (listen and watch on YouTube) are full of wisdom, advice, and support for you and all the humans you love.
Closing invitation
If this article resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Send it directly, post it on your socials, or pass it along in your networks.
Connection Starter Course
Meaningful connection is the antidote to loneliness.
We understand that it’s tough to know what kind of connection is meaningful for you, so that’s why we created the Connection Starter Course: to help you explore what meaningful connection looks like for you.
The Connection Starter Course walks you through how you can feel connected to your authentic self, the people who matter most, and your wider community.
This understanding helps you develop your personal Connection Plan — your roadmap to becoming, and staying, meaningfully connected.
That’s where we’ll leave it for now
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Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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