When money’s tight, connection still matters
- Phil McAuliffe
- 3 days ago
- 8 min read
Connection feels like a luxury when money's tight, but it's a necessity.
And the connection you really need is free.
Hello my friend
It’s tough to makes ends meet right now, isn’t it? Nothing ever feels like it costs less than it did a year ago. If we catch a break and manage to have some money left over at the end of a pay cycle and dare to dream of having it go towards something fun, something invariably comes up – an unexpected bill, for instance – and that money’s gone.
Life is a constant juggle. It’s exhausting. There’s barely enough to cover the essentials and to keep you and everyone who relies on you fed, clothed, healthy and warm.
The stress is all-consuming.
As we juggle, we can think of connection as a ball that we can no longer afford and let it drop.
And this is understandable. Who can afford to eat out, go to the movies or get a coffee with friends or family when it’s a struggle to decide to pay rent or buy food this week? Hell, with the cost of transport in some places, we can’t even afford to get there let alone to be there.
Connection is seen as discretionary spending. This kind of spending is first to be cut in household budgets, as well as government and workplace budgets.
My friend, I want to say this clearly: connection is not discretionary.
Spending on connection is discretionary, but connection is essential.
There’s a big difference between the two. Let’s explore that.
Connection is life-sustaining
As humans, you and I need food, water, warmth, sleep, and connection to survive.
Bad things happen when these needs are not met. It’s that simple.
All humans are social animals. We all have social needs. When you and I don’t feel connected in a meaningful way with our authentic selves, with those most important to us and to our communities, we suffer in a similar way to if we don’t eat food that nourishes us or don’t drink clean water.
The consequences of not getting the connection we need just happen more slowly.
Connection does not need to cost anything
You’re probably watching a whole lot more free-to-air TV if you’ve cancelled your subscriptions to streaming services. You’re seeing a lot of ads.
Pay attention to how a product is being sold to us. Connection is often at the very heart of advertising. Cars are marketed not as a means of transport, but of connection. Airlines are great at this, too. Gambling ads aren’t about the gambling per se, but on how they bring your (male) friends together. Same with alcohol, coffee, tea, fast food and, well, food generally.
I’m struggling to think of any advertisements that don’t have connection at their core: either connection to other people or a quiet moment to connect with our selves. Can you think of any?
Kudos to the marketing departments and ad agencies. They play to our fear of disconnection to get us to buy or use their product or service.
But one of the impacts of all this amazing marketing is that you and I can conflate connection with cost.
Again, I want to be clear: Connection is free.
The kind of meaningful connection that you need and deserve is free.
What can you do?
Don't get me wrong, it can be a lot of fun to connect over an event or a nice meal at that new restaurant. But knowing that connection is a non-negotiable need but that connection doesn’t need to cost anything, there’s a whole lot of options that are open to you.
Other organisations like Ending Loneliness Together in Australia, the Marmalade Trust in the UK and Genwell in Canada have some great no- or low-cost connection advice that I don’t want to replicate here.
Their advice is fantastic and I strongly recommend that you check the links out or do your own research.
Why it can be tough to implement solutions
But I feel that you may encounter some barriers to connecting if you have the belief that the people you want to connect with want to spend money to do so.
One of those barriers could be shame.
Finances are like sex. We’ve been told that it’s not a topic for polite conversation. Not having money can be shameful, and we want to hide it.
Money is a shame trigger for me. I know that I’m not alone in this, indeed, money may also be a shame trigger for you. Do you also feel weird when talking about money, specifically the state of your own financial affairs? Can you speak openly and calmly about your current financial situation with anyone? Do you feel like a failure if you can’t live the life you think you should be living?
A consequence of shame and discomfort is that we find it hard to admit aloud that we can’t afford to do something. That not being able to afford something is a failure and that failure is punished by the fear of social failure.
We do things that we can’t afford, like maxing out our credit cards and taking out personal loans to go on holidays to exotic locations.
My friend, do I understand this. I’ve helped many people who’ve found themselves in this situation. They’d dug themselves into a financial hole because they did not want to be excluded. Weekends away, dinners, concerts, overseas holidays were all put on credit all while they could not afford to pay rent.
For some, the financial hole was dug by paying school fees at expensive private school and repaying expensive, status-symbol cars because they were trying to live up to an image or expectations. They say things like: That’s just how things are done around here.
Keeping up with the Joneses is expensive.
Their fear of loneliness fed the fear of being excluded. They came to us because they realised that – try as they may – they could not outrun loneliness or their fear of exclusion, but their attempts to outrun their fears left them in debt.
Moreover, they were in debt AND experiencing loneliness because they were not being real with their friends and their friends were not being real with them, either.
They’d been feeding their image and maintaining appearances, rather than feeding connection.
My story
When I lived in New Zealand, there was a time in 2020 and 2021 when Jeff and I were homeless. We had to rely on the goodwill of friends for accommodation. Living on a very limited income and being homeless had huge lessons for me.
I learned how connection was conflated with spending money. I had to say no to going out for coffee with people because a coffee would have blown my budget for the week. Friends wanted to have dinner with us at cool restaurants, but we could not afford to eat out. Baked beans, toasted sandwiches or canned stew were staples.
Initially, I found myself making polite excuses for not accepting invitations. I quickly realised that I was ashamed to admit the truth that I could not afford to connect. I was afraid that I’d be judged. I was afraid that I would be treated like a charity. I was afraid of being left out. I was afraid that the work on loneliness that I’d been working so hard on was a failure as it wasn’t bringing in anywhere near enough money to make it a financially viable venture.
This last one was - and remains - a big one for me to process emotionally.
Once I realised that I was responding from a place of shame about money, I decided to open up to a few people in my life who’ve earned the right to hear my story and who I know will listen with empathy.
Something wonderful happened when I did this.
With few exceptions, the friend with whom I was speaking would say the magic words ‘Me too’. They were also struggling – or had struggled –financially.
Some friends courageously admitted that they were in significant debt as they were funding a lifestyle through credit cards that they knew that they couldn’t afford, but they didn’t know how to stop. They felt compelled to appear that they were living 'the life' and were financially successful.
Me sharing my money concerns vulnerably created the environment for further authentic connection with my friends.
All this time later, we still need to watch our finances.
Now, when I’m asked if I’d like to catch up with someone, I’m honest and upfront. I say, ‘I’d love to catch up with you, but I can’t afford to go out.’ I then propose something that costs nothing: A walk or a hike; or going and sitting in a park for a while with a Thermos of coffee brought from home.
The connection is the most important part of catching-up with them.
Let’s end your loneliness
Let’s wrap this up. Here are my suggestions for connecting on a budget:
Take the advice on the internet about free connection ideas
Cut up your credit card (this is not financial advice, but if you can't afford to buy it outright, you can't afford it…)
Seek financial advice from someone reputable whose common sense advice you trust (someone like The Barefoot Investor or Suze Orman are my suggestion, but again this is not financial advice. Do your own due diligence)
Be open and honest with yourself AND those around you. Connection is on the other side of vulnerability.
You’re worthy of the connection that nourishes you. Remember that this type of connection is simple and uncomplicated. All it requires is you.
That’s it for this article
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Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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