How to support someone you love who is feeling lonely

You care about someone who might be lonely, and you want to support them. That makes you an amazing human.

This guide gives you practical ways to support them, understand what they’re feeling, and help them reconnect meaningfully.

Hello my friend

You’re a good human. You’ve opened this article to find advice on how to support someone important to you because you know they’re experiencing loneliness.

Perhaps you’ve suspected that someone you love has been feeling lonely for a while. You’ve been waiting for them to ask for help. Maybe you’ve said — more than once — that you’re there for them if they need anything. But rather than reaching out, you’ve noticed them stay stuck or, worse, retreat further.

You might feel it’s time to step in, but you don’t want to get it wrong.

The HUMANS:CONNECTING team and I want to give you some practical guidance you can use today.

I could write a lot more about each of these pieces of advice – and I will in future articles – but you don’t need a textbook right now. Think of this as an overview, knowing we’re here to support you more deeply as you support the person you love.

How can you know it’s loneliness?

Loneliness is:

“a person’s subjective feeling about, or perception of, the quality of their social connections. Usually, a negative feeling of being unsatisfied with their social relationships and connections. Loneliness is often a catch-all term for how people feel when there is a gap between their actual and desired levels of social relationships and connection (source).”

This definition is very helpful, especially the part about loneliness being subjective. What nourishes one person might leave another feeling disconnected.

For us, the most important definition is simple:

If you feel lonely, you’re experiencing loneliness.

A common misconception is that loneliness is a mental health issue that requires professional care. That’s not true.

When left unacknowledged, studies show that loneliness can contribute to depression or anxiety - which do require professional support - but loneliness itself isn’t a mental health condition. It’s the absence of meaningful connection.

Think of loneliness as social hunger. Indeed, when you feel hunger you pick up the signal as “Oh, I’m hungry. I need to eat” rather than “I’m hungry. I need to see a gastroenterologist for this stomach complaint.”

Conflating loneliness with mental illness pathologises it and reinforces stigma. We start believing it’s something only professionals can “fix”. We feel ill-equipped to respond, as it’s best left to the professionals.

But loneliness is an emotion. It’s a signal from our bodies that we need to slow down and prioritise our social health. We need to slow down and connect meaningfully.

Meaningful connection is the antidote to loneliness, and it’s a prescription we can fill ourselves.

That’s a powerful realisation, isn’t it? Knowing this empowers us all to address the loneliness we experience in ourselves and with others.

So tread gently when engaging with loneliness, but don’t avoid it.

How to know if someone you love is lonely

Sometimes, you’ll know because they’ve told you.

Image: canva.com

Beyond that, loneliness can be tricky to identify. Loneliness is not the same as being alone. We can be content in solitude, and, conversely, feel lonely in a crowd.

The stigma of loneliness and what we fear it means about our unworthiness for love and belonging means that we most often mask the pain and discomfort we feel. I know that I masked my loneliness behind a smile, friendliness, and endless good humour when I was first wrestling with loneliness (a story I shared here).  

Still, you suspect it. You’ve picked up on some signs and signals in their words and behaviours recently. You’ve noticed – in a kind, loving, and non-judgemental way – that they’ve exhibited some of the common symptoms of loneliness from this article.

You may have also noticed that they say ‘yes’ to a social event, but pull out at the last moment.

Keep these two points in mind:

-        Know that loneliness is often an unintended consequence of staying safe and small. The person you love is likely choosing safety over connection.

-        They may not be ready to admit their loneliness aloud. The stigma of loneliness means that we can feel – on some level – unworthy of love and belonging. This is not true, but loneliness is very cunning and has us accepting it as truth.

We also fear pity, judgement and rejection. Admitting loneliness aloud is like coming out of the closet. If you’ve ever done this in your life, you know exactly what I mean. If not, the fear of judgement, exclusion, and rejection means that it takes great courage to speak what’s inside aloud.

In this way, the person you love may desperately want you to see them and hear them for the human they are, but really don’t want you to see them at all out of fear.

Here’s your best approach: remember that all humans have connection needs, and we all feel lonely when those needs aren’t met.

Focus on identifying what kind of connection they need, rather than on “loneliness” itself.

Address the underlying need and the symptom clears up.

What can you say to best support the person you love?

Image:canva.com

You may be here because you want to know what words to use to support the person you love. You may have been wanting to say something to them for a while but haven’t quite known what to say.

While we can suspect that someone we love may be experiencing loneliness, we often don’t say anything out of fear that we’ll upset them or make things worse by saying the wrong thing.

The result of this common strategy is that we don’t speak about loneliness when we experience it because we don’t know what words to say, how to say it without upsetting anyone or making it worse. This feeds our individual and collective loneliness.

That ends here. Keep reading.

Your words matter

Without doubt, your words matter, but they’re not as important as we make them out to be.

You’ve probably noticed that in this article – and in all our others on this blog – that we say ‘experiencing loneliness’ rather than ‘is lonely’.

That’s intentional. “Experiencing loneliness” describes a temporary state; “is lonely” sounds like an identity.

If you speak Spanish, it’s the difference between ‘estar’ and ‘ser’.

In this way, saying things that speak of loneliness as something to pass through are helpful. We want the movement through loneliness toward meaningful connection, not being stuck in loneliness forever.

Don't dance around it. Say ‘loneliness’

Loneliness is important to acknowledge and allow it to be. Say the word. Own it.

Loneliness is an uncomfortable topic to discuss. Loneliness doesn’t go away just because it’s not a topic for polite company.

Talk about loneliness and our need for social connection openly. Use the word ‘loneliness’. You can talk about stories about loneliness that you saw in the news, or you can talk about a fantastic article you read on the HUMANS:CONNECTING blog…  

Talking about social connection (and the loneliness we experience when we don’t feel socially connected in a meaningful way) openly creates a safe space and signals that you’re open to supporting them.

Trust me, they’ll notice.

Ask open questions

Few people react well to the question ‘Are you lonely?’ Indeed, asking that directly often ends badly (see previous points about beliefs of being unworthy for love and belonging…)

Asking open questions gets people talking. As they’re talking, you can listen for clues that they may be closing opportunities for connection, and you can listen for clues that they may be open to seeking more connection.

Take their lead and respond from there.

Avoid pity

When I once sought support for my loneliness, the counsellor said, “Oh, you poor thing!”

It was well-intentioned, but it dripped with pity.

Pity is disconnecting. As Dr Brené Brown explains in ‘Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience’:

Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering. (p. 120)

It’s that final part - ‘avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering’ – that your loved one will notice.

Although well-intentioned, a pity response erects a wall between you.

Avoid trying to fix their loneliness

Please avoid trying to fix their loneliness.

While it’s tempting to whip your phone out and Google ‘groups for lonely people in my area,’ you’re disempowering the person you love. Fixing it for them could bring them some relief, but it’s unlikely to be enduring.

It’s natural to want to relieve their suffering when supporting someone you love through loneliness, but your role is to walk beside them, not to carry them.

Your loved one is not broken, they don't need fixing. They are having a normal, albeit unpleasant, human experience that we all experience at times in life.

They. Do. Not. Need. Fixing.

They need to own and understand their loneliness.

You know that loneliness is a horrible experience and you never want someone you love to suffer.

But it’s their social connection needs – and their loneliness – not yours. You have your own social connection needs to navigate.

They need to own their loneliness and then take steps to understand it. While loneliness is uncomfortable and yucky, it holds the keys to the connection we’re not feeling. Support them to understand their loneliness so they can listen to what it’s trying to tell them about the meaningful connection they’re not receiving.

Once they’ve shared their loneliness story with you, you can encourage them toward understanding it.

Give hope

The good news is that in sharing their loneliness experience or admitting their loneliness, they’ve taken an enormous step in acknowledging it and speaking of it.

In sharing their loneliness experience with you, your loved one has been so awesomely courageous. Honour that. Recognise that. Celebrate that.

It’s this courage that will have them moving toward meaningful connection soon. Their next step is to understand it to then use loneliness to tell them what connection they need.

Remind them of their awesomeness and share the hope. 

A final word on ‘fixing’ loneliness

Truth: in wanting to quickly fix someone else’s loneliness, what’s really happening is that you’re wanting to not sit in the discomfort of loneliness – theirs AND your own. Fixing it or otherwise keeping it at arm’s length has you avoiding that discomfort.

Lean in. Listen.

What can you do to best support the person you love?

 

It’s one thing to know what to say, but it’s another to know what you can do to support the person you love.

There is no right time, so make the time right

The person you love could have been holding on to the thoughts and feelings of their loneliness experience for a long time. They’ve probably wanted to share it with you and wanted to ask for your support for their loneliness on multiple occasions, but the time was never quite right.

There’s never going to be the right time, so you can make the time right.

When conversation turns to loneliness, social connection, and our human need for connection, give that conversation the space and time it needs.

Create that space. Put your phone away. Make a hot beverage. Clear your schedule.

You love this person. They matter to you. You want to support them through their loneliness. Give them the space and time needed.

Remember: busyness kills connection, and connection takes time (something we covered in this episode of the HUMANS:CONNECTING podcast).

Image: canva.com

Get next to them

This can be an uncomfortable conversation and there are many cultural factors at play in the dynamics of how closely we talk or sit with other humans. Sometimes sitting across from someone can add to the discomfort. This can be the case when the person you love is a man.

Rather than being across from them, get next to them. It’s more supportive, and your focus will be on the issue in front of you both, rather than them feeling you’re judging them by looking at them directly.

You may also want to incorporate gentle movement – like a walk - or a non-distracting activity that can take a while that you can both do while talking (this is a key reason why Men’s Sheds are such important spaces).

If available to you, going for a drive is also a great way to be next to someone.

Take their lead

If they want to go for a walk, go for a walk. If they want to sit on the couch, sit on the couch.

It’s all about their comfort and you supporting them in the way that they need.

Unleash the twin superpowers: listening and empathy

Listening and empathy are powerful individually; together they can change the world.

But there’s listening and then there’s listening. Listen to understand them, not to respond to them.

When you do respond, respond with empathy (the antithesis of pity). Empathy sounds like ‘me too’ and ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m so glad you shared that with me. It’s awful to hold onto this.’

Empathy is immediately connective. 

Avoid an awesome empathetic response morphing into comparative and competitive loneliness (a concept we explored in this article). Comparative loneliness almost always turns into competitive loneliness. This sounds like: “Me too. I felt like this when I [insert long story of loneliness here].”

Your loved one is likely to hear an empathetic response that’s veered into comparative and competitive loneliness and think: “Why did I share this? They’ve got it much worse than me…:

This is their time. Let them speak. You can compare experiences at another time.

Encourage the next small step towards connection

They’ve done an amazing thing in sharing their loneliness with you. But sharing a story of loneliness and admitting it is the first step.

They’ll need to keep taking steps towards connection. They need to keep choosing connection according to the Three Pillars of Connection: to their authentic selves, to those most important to them and to their communities [content we explored in this article].

When the person you love does take a step towards connection, celebrate it. They’re likely to be receiving a whole lot of feedback: some connection attempts will hit, others will miss. We can never control the outcome of our connection attempts, only the effort we put into them.

Celebrate the hits, reflect on the lessons the misses provide and then take another step towards connection.

If supporting them doesn’t go as planned

Despite your best efforts and the best of intentions, there’s always going to be the risk that the conversation goes badly.

In speaking openly about loneliness and our innate human need for meaningful connection, you may say something that will upset them. They may deny or deflect. They may yell at you. They may take a sharp intake of breath and say ‘Oh well. No sense in complaining about it’ and move on. 

Remember, their response to your words and actions is on them.

All you can ever control are your words, your thoughts and your actions. You’re showing up, being present, seeing them as they are. 

In taking the initial steps to supporting them through loneliness, you've started the conversation. Potentially a life-altering conversation. They may take some time to come around.

Give them time and space, but persist in returning to the conversation at another time. You’ve shown them that your love for them involves wanting them to be socially healthy and fulfilled. Your loved one may need some time to process this.

Move forward together

 

This advice can sound like you’re fixing their loneliness, but it differs in that you’re working on your social health and the quality of your connections together.

Don’t send them on their way to work through it alone. The way to meaningful connection is for each of us to walk, but we never need to walk alone.

Walk the path to meaningful connection with them. Do something together.

Best approach: be a place of welcome

This picks up on something I learned from the work of author and psychotherapist Francis Weller, who says that we’re all looking for places and spaces where we belong, but we all need to also be places of welcome.

This invites us to see and hear someone just as they are in that moment when we are supporting them. Not who they once were, or who they may be in the future, but as they are now.

We each love it when we feel seen and heard. We feel that we belong. When we feel lost, adrift and alone, knowing that there’s someone who simply sees and hears us as we are in that moment is like arriving in a safe harbour after days on a stormy ocean.

You can be that place of welcome. Simply see and hear the person you love as they are in that moment.

Attend to your own needs

Here’s some advice for you to help support you as you support those you love.

Mix the metaphors

Mixed metaphor alert: put your own mask on first because you cannot pour from an empty cup.

It’s very tough to support someone you love towards the meaningful connection that they need when you’re not feeling meaningfully connected yourself.

Simply, you cannot give what you do not have.

It’s no one’s fault

When someone you love shares that they’ve been experiencing loneliness, it’s normal to feel that you’ve somehow let them down; that you’ve not been enough.

While these feelings are normal, they’re not true.

Read this slowly: Their loneliness is not their fault, nor is it yours.

Loneliness is part of the human experience. We’re all meant to feel it at times and to then come back to meaningful connection. It’s a signal, not a failing.  

An uncomfortable look in a mirror

When a loved one speaks of their loneliness to you, it can often feel like they’re holding up a mirror to you. You’re compelled to reflect on the quality of your connections, and you may realise that they’re not as meaningful as you want them to be.

In effect, their admission of loneliness may prompt you to realise you’ve been experiencing loneliness.

This can be confronting if you’re not ready for it. Indeed, this is the most uncomfortable and awkward part of supporting someone you love through their loneliness.

Remember, it’s this discomfort which often prompts us to want to fix someone else’s loneliness – both to support them and to relieve our discomfort. We just want to move on and not feel uncomfortable.

We can want to deflect, deny and ignore our own loneliness. 'Fixing' their loneliness means that you don't have the capacity to attend to your own.

It can be a horrible awakening.

If you experience this, remember that loneliness is part of the human condition, and we all experience it at times. Loneliness’ job is to tell us that we’re not getting the meaningful connection that we need and deserve.

Perhaps their admission of loneliness to you is a gift to you and your own connection needs too – even if that gift is unexpected and unwanted.

 

Get more great advice and support

For more ideas and perspectives on social connection and the loneliness we experience when we feel disconnected, check out all our content at HUMANS:CONNECTING.

Our blog articles and podcast episodes (listen and watch on YouTube) are full of wisdom, advice, and support for you and all the humans you love.

Closing invitation

If this article resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Send it directly, post it on your socials, or pass it along in your networks.

Connection Starter Course

Meaningful connection is the antidote to loneliness.

We understand that it’s tough to know what kind of connection is meaningful for you, so that’s why we created the Connection Starter Course: to help you explore what meaningful connection looks like for you.

The Connection Starter Course walks you through how you can feel connected to your authentic self, the people who matter most, and your wider community.

This understanding helps you develop your personal Connection Plan — your roadmap to becoming, and staying, meaningfully connected.

Learn more here.

That’s where we’ll leave it for now

We write to serve, support, challenge and inspire you as you grow into a more connected, intentional human.

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Until next time, be awesomely you.

~ Phil   

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Important:

All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.

If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.