'Dear Phil': Setting Boundaries in Close-Knit Communities: Advice for Staying True to Yourself
- Phil McAuliffe and Dr Hans Rocha IJzerman
- Jun 30
- 8 min read
When connection turns into pressure, how do we protect our sense of self? This ‘Dear Phil’ offers heartfelt, culturally grounded advice for finding balance.
Hello my friend
In many close-knit communities, family and social networks provide a vital sense of belonging and support. Yet, these same connections can sometimes feel overwhelming or judgemental, making it hard to stay true to yourself.
In this edition of Dear Phil, we explore how to set healthy boundaries within these dense networks so you can honour your relationships without losing your authentic voice or peace of mind.
Whether you’re navigating cultural expectations or simply seeking balance, this advice offers thoughtful guidance for maintaining connection and self-respect.
Here’s the situation shared with us
I am socially connected with family, extended family, neighbourhood, professional, work and religious networks. Our culture in Africa is very collective so we share a lot with these networks. The problem sometimes is that the networks interfere a lot with our private affairs and they are also judgemental. Sometimes one can also create and establish international and diminish local networks which can also help a lot.
Social networks help career wise in providing career and training opportunities. Sometimes they are so judgemental and unfair.
Phil says
First, thank you for sharing your experience with us. It’s great to see that you feel connected with your family, your extended family, neighbourhood and professional, work and religious networks. It made me smile to read that you feel the benefits of this connection.
I was sorry to read that you feel the downside of all this connection, through feeling that others in your social network interfere and judge.
I hope what I share can support you in feeling more connected.
Our work at HUMANS:CONNECTING focuses on the concept of the 3 pillars of connection:
connection to self
connection to those most important to you
connection to community.
We say that each one of these pillars needs to be as strong as the others if we are to feel meaningfully connected.
Based on what you’ve shared, it feels to me that your second and third pillars are sound and strong. Indeed, there’s an abundance of connection within those two pillars. Possibly even too much, at times.
If you and I were having a chat right now, I’d ask how connected to your authentic self you feel you can be in your daily life. I’d be inviting you to explore what connection to self looks like for you.
I can’t be certain of your answer, but it may be that you’re feeling that you don’t have the space and time to feel connected to your self. Would that be right?
It can be tough to be who we are when who we are can feel judged by those around us, including those who love us and in places and spaces where we get a sense of belonging. For instance, if our family, extended family and community (including our place of worship and work) feels like we need to act and behave in a certain way, editing ourselves to fit those expectations can inadvertently feed our loneliness.
Furthermore, being our authentic selves - however that looks - strengthens connection to self, but can weaken the connection we feel in the other two pillars.
In that trade off, it feels easier to edit ourselves in the hope we continue to feel connection from those outside of ourselves.
This situation also makes it tough to develop and maintain boundaries where you can be connected to self and feel connections within the other two pillars. Maintaining boundaries comes with very high risk.
There is something that makes me think you’re on the right track for you. That’s the line: Sometimes one can also create and establish international and diminish local networks which can also help a lot.
You’re right. Being in places and spaces - in real life or online - where we can be who we are without being judged can be an important source of connection. Being in those places and spaces help us practice and strengthen our connection to self.I hope that you’re feeling the benefits of being in those spaces to help you feel that each of the three pillars are strong for you.
Thanks again for sharing your connection dilemma. I hope that’s been helpful, and know that you’re doing great.
Dr Hans says
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Phil’s insight about strengthening your connection to self resonates deeply with your experience—feeling both the richness and the weight of dense social networks. You’ve captured something profound: connection can open doors, offer support, and bring meaning. But it can also judge, interfere, and overwhelm.
As researchers and policymakers, we often fall into a reflex: connection is good. And yes, in many ways it is. But your message reminds us of something we too often overlook—connection is not always kind. It’s not always safe. And it’s not always a net positive. Sometimes, the very networks we lean on can become too heavy to carry.
That’s why I want to be cautious. It would be easy to offer a neat solution drawn from the literature, but that risks speaking from a place of abstraction—or worse, a place of cultural imposition. Too often, research—even well-meaning—can carry a colonial tone, offering answers that fail to account for local realities and histories.
So I called in two of my colleagues and friends, Gift Murombo and Mohammed Zouiri. They wrote most of what follows. Together, we were part of a research project that conducted interviews across eight countries: India, the Philippines, Morocco, Brazil, China, Turkey, the United States, and Zimbabwe. Part of this work has been funded by Templeton World Charity Foundation.
We don’t know where in Africa you’re writing from—Africa is vast, with hundreds of cultures and contexts—but we hope that the insights from 100 in-depth interviews in Zimbabwe and Morocco resonate with what you’re living.
What they found speaks volumes.
A close-knit community as a lifeline
In both Morocco and Zimbabwe, community is more than a backdrop—it’s a lifeline. From early childhood through old age, people are woven into dense social networks: family, neighbors, religious groups, colleagues, and friends. These relationships are not peripheral; they shape the emotional, social, and economic rhythms of life.
In Morocco, these ties are deeply internalized. Shared Friday meals, spontaneous neighbor visits, and the expectation of mutual presence reflect an unspoken rule: you are always part of something larger than yourself. As one participant put it, “It’s like being home […] not perfect, but accepted as you are.”
In Zimbabwe, the philosophy of Ubuntu—“I am because we are”—runs through daily life. Community care isn’t optional; it’s foundational. As one participant said, “Even if someone is not your blood, they show up.” Whether through church, neighborhood support, or shared caregiving, community serves as both emotional anchor and practical safety net.
These stories highlight something essential: in cultures where relationships are central to daily life, connection offers not just a sense of belonging, but a kind of ambient emotional security—connection as the air one breathes.
When connection overwhelms
But what happens when those bonds become too tight? Your reflections on interference and judgement echo a reality we heard over and over again.
In both Morocco and Zimbabwe, people spoke about the stifling side of collectivism. The very networks that support you can also demand conformity, enforce social norms, and punish deviation.
In Morocco, emotional expression was often limited. Vulnerability could lead to gossip, and even close friendships came with strings attached. As one participant asked, “Shnu ghadi y’golou ennas?” (“What will people say?”). Being different—whether in thought, feeling, or behavior—could mean subtle exclusion or shame.
In Zimbabwe, the themes were strikingly similar. People described pressure to marry, judgment in church, or ostracism after separation. One woman said, “It’s like I was a disease,” after her divorce. The tension between community and personal authenticity ran deep—and could be painful.
The Quiet Struggle: Belonging Without Disappearing
Many participants grappled with exactly the kind of question you’re asking: how do I stay part of my community without losing myself?
One said simply, “I love my people, but sometimes I wish they could just accept my decisions without questioning.” Another shared how she wore a “mask” to keep her family happy. Still others described silence as a form of survival—keeping their depression or personal truth hidden to avoid judgment.
Yet among these accounts, there were signs of subtle resistance and self-protection.
One man said, “I keep my people, but only share deep things with those who won’t judge.” Another spoke about redefining belonging: “True connection is when I’m accepted as I am, not as others expect me to be.”
This is especially true for younger, urban participants who are learning to practice what we’ve come to call negotiated belonging—staying within the community, but setting quiet, strategic boundaries.
Belonging doesn’t have to mean full assimilation. It can mean: I am with you—but I am also myself.
Building on Phil’s advice
Phil’s suggestion to nurture your connection to self while maintaining the other pillars of connection is exactly right. Based on what we’ve seen in our research, here are three ways you might do that in a way that honors your cultural context:
Build selective intimacy. Stay connected, but be thoughtful about what—and with whom—you share. As one participant put it: “I keep my people, but only share deep things with those who won’t judge.” This allows you to maintain your place in the community while safeguarding your emotional space.
Expand your networks strategically. Your instinct about international connections is spot-on. Digital, academic, or diasporic communities can offer freedom, expression, and new ways of being seen. As one person said, “When I post there, I don’t fear being judged.” These spaces help strengthen your connection to self, just as Phil described.
Set boundaries gently. In cultures where relationships play a central role, direct confrontation can feel like rejection. But subtle strategies—changing the subject, compartmentalizing roles, or choosing silence—can go a long way. As another participant put it, “I stay close, but I guard my core.”
Final thought
Your experience reflects something deeply human and deeply complex. In many African societies, community is indispensable. But not all connection is nourishing. You’re allowed to seek out spaces—internationally, online, or quietly within your current circles—where you can breathe, feel safe, and be seen as you truly are.
The goal isn’t to sever your roots. It’s to grow in ways that honor both your belonging and your becoming.
Phil’s three pillars of connection—self, others, and community—can coexist. You just need to curate them with care.
Value your roots, but also protect your peace.
You deserve both strong community ties and the freedom to be authentically yourself.
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~ Phil
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