'Dear Phil': When the human element disappears

Feeling unseen at work? This Dear Phil column explores how quickly workplace connection can fade — and what you can do when it does.

Hello my friend     

A few weeks ago, I shared with you that we created ‘Dear Phil’, an advice column blending real stories and science to help you overcome loneliness and build meaningful connections. 

I said that ‘Dear Phil’ is a place where you get honest, expert advice, created for you.

Well, here’s the first column! Let’s jump right in.

Here’s the situation shared with us 

In my previous role, I experienced how workplace disconnection can develop even in a seemingly promising environment. Initially, our small team of three was well-supported by a manager who provided regular check-ins and clear guidance. They also communicated effectively, which made it easier for me to navigate the tasks and the workload. The workload focused on [tasks], coupled with [other tasks]. 

The first few days were promising, yet after some time, although regular check-ins and progress updates were in place, it felt like something was lacking. Check-ins became shorter and more mechanical, focusing solely on [items] and metrics. The human element gradually disappeared. There were no more conversations about our well-being or life outside work. This was when it hit me: this was disconnection and loneliness. I felt disconnected. It felt like I was only here to work on the tasks. I suddenly didn't feel motivated to wake up and get to work, the hours felt longer than usual, and I was just waiting for the shift to end.

Phil says

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that you had that experience in that workplace. I feel that there’s a sense of not only loneliness and disconnection in your experience, but a profound disappointment that something that started so promisingly went in that direction and that you felt that they just stopped caring about you. 

There are a few things that I want to share with you that I hope can support you.

After feeling well-supported by your manager initially – and feeling the benefit of it in your work – you noticed that after some time the check-ins stopped including discussions about you as a person and focused only on the metrics. You may remember exactly when that switch happened, but I suspect that the change was gradual. Having realised it, you experienced feeling unseen and unheard as a human beyond the work you could deliver. 

Image: canva.com

And we know that we need to feel seen and to feel heard to feel that we belong. And when we feel connected we feel that we belong. It stands to reason that you noticed loneliness and disconnection when the foundations of belonging weren’t felt. 

I want to say that this was not deliberate on your manager’s part. Call me Pollyannaish, but I believe that people rarely set out to deliberately hurt others. There’s almost always something going on for them, too. I suspect that they may have been feeling under pressure to deliver. They may have been experiencing loneliness within themselves, too. This does not excuse the lack of attention and how that affected you, rather it’s a very easy trap to fall into when we’re busy and the work just needs to get done. 

Tragically, connection is often the first casualty when work just needs to get done as it’s seen as a waste of time.

Connection is a ‘soft skill’ that’s of lesser value than more ‘hard’ skills (hence the focus on the performance metrics). 

I can point to many times throughout my career in the Australian Public Service and in this new career as a social entrepreneur when connection was jettisoned simply to get it done. Sometimes the doing simply needs to get done. But there have been many times when taking a moment to pause, check in with myself and those around me would have been a better option than simply gritting my teeth and smashing it out.  

How I work matters. How we all work matters. 

Undoubtedly, it is demoralising to feel that you’re only there for what you can do, not for who you are. 

And the symptoms you describe about finding it tough to get out of bed and get to work are a common part of a loneliness experience. We can feel exhausted because loneliness puts us into a heightened state of cortisol-induced awareness (which is distressing), as we start seeing everyone and everything as a potential threat to our wellbeing. This then puts us into a loneliness spiral, because the effort to do something – including connection – just seems too hard. Consequently, we stay home or stay within ourselves, and this sends us further down the spiral. 

I can't help but reflect on how different it would have been in a workplace that continued to see you as the wondrous human you are. This would have positively impacted your social wellbeing AND the wellbeing of your manager. Not only that, but it would have enhanced both your own and the collective performance.

I also notice that you started your share with ‘In my previous role…’, indicating that you’re no longer in that workplace. We know that people experiencing loneliness are more likely to underperform and are more likely to quit than those who feel connected.

A question for you as you read this: To what extent do you feel that your experience of workplace loneliness influenced your decision to leave? 

Dr Hans says

I completely agree with Phil — and I want to start by saying how sorry I am that you went through this.

It’s painful when a work environment that begins with warmth and promise slowly loses its human touch.

You were right to feel something essential had gone missing.

And yet, what makes your story especially painful is that it sounds like the company started with good intentions. They had communication systems, regular check-ins, and clear expectations. That matters. Because the truth is, building and maintaining a workplace culture that balances people and performance is really hard. Even with the best intentions, it’s easy for structure to slip into rigidity, and for systems built to support people to eventually leave them behind.

This isn’t just a matter of hurt feelings. Disconnection in the workplace comes at a high cost — both human and financial. On the financial side, research consistently shows that replacing an employee typically costs between 1.5 and 2 times their annual salary. That includes recruitment, onboarding, lost productivity, and the impact on morale and team stability. And when someone leaves, it’s not just a role that’s lost — it’s relationships, institutional knowledge, and momentum.

But the human cost runs deeper. Chronic disconnection and loneliness at work have been linked to elevated stress, reduced immune function, and increased risk of cardiovascular disease. As the former U.S. Surgeon General noted, chronic loneliness is associated with an increased risk of premature mortality — with some studies estimating that its impact on health may be comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 

Image: canva.com

These aren’t small effects. They’re signals that we’re not designed to function — or flourish — in isolation.

At Annecy Behavioral Science Lab, we’re thinking about these challenges every day — not just in our research, but in how we work together as a team. One of the hardest issues we’re grappling with is how to design metrics that support both wellbeing and performance. Because, let’s be honest: metrics are not the enemy. Companies need them to make decisions, allocate resources, assess performance, and ensure fairness. Good metrics help you understand what’s working. They can also be powerful tools for clarity and accountability.

The real challenge is this: when metrics become too rigid or disconnected from the day-to-day reality of people’s work, they backfire. 

People begin “scoring to the metric” instead of engaging in meaningful work. Performance becomes performative. Connection erodes.

We haven’t solved this. We’re still learning. We don’t yet have fully personalized metrics. Why? Because they’re incredibly difficult to build. We’re in the early stages: we do regular reviews, we solicit feedback, and we evaluate whether our current systems are still serving us. We treat metrics as living things — subject to revision, dialogue, and adaptation.

Our ideal — what we’re working toward — is a system of personalized, flexible metrics that reflect each individual’s strengths, role, and context, while still allowing for comparison across people and roles. That’s key. Because people want to be seen as individuals — and they also want promotions and recognition to feel fair. The tension between uniqueness and comparability is at the heart of what makes metrics tricky.

So how do we navigate it? First, by building our metrics collaboratively. We invite everyone to contribute to what should count — for performance, for wellbeing, and for team success. That co-creation builds trust and helps avoid the alienation you described. Second, we make time — real time — to revisit and revise our systems. Without dedicated space for reflection and recalibration, even the best-designed systems can turn brittle.

And yes, this takes investment. It requires leadership time, space for team input, and a willingness to rethink the default. But the payoff is enormous. When you design systems that support both productivity and wellbeing — hand in hand — you create the conditions for people to stay, grow, and contribute their best.

We often hear that investing in people is expensive. But not investing in people is far more expensive. 

Losing skilled, committed employees means losing what economists call “human capital” — the relationships, experience, and judgment that only come with time. You can’t hire that off the shelf.

Just look at Costco, a US-based membership-based warehouse retailer known for selling in bulk at low margins. Despite operating in a cost-sensitive industry, they focus heavily on employee wellbeing — offering above-average wages, healthcare for part-time staff, and promoting from within. This approach results in low turnover and high productivity. And it doesn’t hurt market performance — quite the opposite. Over the past five years, Costco’s stock has grown over 130%, outperforming competitors like Walmart and Target. It’s a powerful example that investing in people isn’t just good for morale — it builds loyalty, performance, and market value. 

So yes, metrics matter. But how we design and use them matters even more. When performance measures become tools for learning, recognition, and growth — rather than judgment or control — people respond. They give more. They stay longer. And they help others do the same.

I’m curious: in your new role, have you found a workplace that’s managed to balance performance with connection? If so, I’d love to hear how they’re doing it. These are the examples we all need right now.

Have you got a question for us?

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That’s it for this article

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Until next time, be awesomely you.

~ Phil   

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