Feeling lonely? Why comparing your loneliness makes it worse.
- Phil McAuliffe
- Oct 19
- 5 min read
Comparing your loneliness to others makes it worse.
Here’s why this trap happens and discover practical steps to get the connection you need.
Hello my friend
We know that loneliness and social disconnection is bad for us humans.
You may be feeling lonely right now. A quick search through your favoured search engine showed ever more reports, news articles and academic papers showing how feeling lonely and socially disconnected affects us physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.
While research and headlines can tell us who feels lonely or how many are affected, they don’t always capture the awful, personal experience you might be feeling right now. And sometimes, those numbers can make us compare our own loneliness to others’.
It’s easy to look at who “gets lonelier” and think that maybe your feelings don’t count.
That’s where a sneaky trap snaps shut behind you.
It’s a trap I call comparative and competitive loneliness.
Everyone experiences loneliness
Loneliness and social disconnection are part of the human experience. We can all expect to feel lonely or some form of social disconnection at times throughout our lives.
As we’ve seen repeatedly throughout the content on HUMANS:CONNECTING, loneliness serves a vital role in keeping us alive. It’s undeniably uncomfortable, and we don’t want it — but that’s the point. It’s our body’s signal that we’re not getting the kind of connection that we find meaningful. It tells us to stop what we’re doing and prioritise that connection, just as we stop to prepare and eat food when we feel hungry.
If we resist getting the meaningful connection we need for long enough, we die. It’s as simple as that.
One of loneliness’ biggest tricks is in how it makes us believe that we are the only people ever in the history of the world to think that thoughts and feel the feelings we’re thinking and feeling.
That if we spoke about it – presuming, of course, that we knew the words to speak about our loneliness aloud – others simply would not understand. And because they would not understand, they’d believe that we were broken and as unworthy of love and belonging as we believe. We fear that they’d judge us and exclude us further.
We shut up and work hard to make it look like everything’s great. We wait until we know what to say and how to say it before we speak about what we’re thinking and feeling. Only we never do know what to say because no one around us speaks about it, so we descend deeper into our loneliness.
When we do see content on loneliness – whether on social or traditional media – we see that there are other people who are different to us who are experiencing loneliness and we can tell ourselves (just as I had told myself when initially wrestling with loneliness) these things:
that what I’m thinking and feeling is not loneliness because I’m not within that demographic, and/or
that other people have it worse than me, so I’ll not use the support available to me so others more deserving can get the help and support available.
These thoughts and feelings can masquerade as benevolent altruism, but are signals that we’ve been caught in the comparative and competitive loneliness trap.
Comparative and competitive loneliness
When we play the comparative and competitive loneliness game, we can always find new and exciting ways to lose.
Comparative loneliness is what I call the tendency to compare our loneliness with the perceived loneliness of others. Most times, this comparison is in the form of discounting our own social needs in favour of others’ needs. But it can also take the form of amplifying our needs over those of others.
Competitive loneliness sounds like the inner voice that says:
“Whoa, I don’t have it as bad as they do, so I’d best stay quiet otherwise people will judge me.”
It can also sound like:
“My needs are more important than yours, so listen to me.”
Even in our own minds, we can start competing for attention, care, or support — deciding whose loneliness is more worthy than ours.
Just like that, comparative and competitive loneliness can isolate us further, keeping us from asking for or receiving meaningful connection.
In my experience working in the human connection sector, comparative loneliness frequently turns into competitive loneliness.
Scarcity and vigilance
Competitive loneliness thrives on one key ingredient: scarcity.
It’s the belief that there is only a certain amount of care, attention, or support to go around.
For individuals, that can sound like:
“I shouldn’t speak up. My needs aren’t important.”
“My needs are more important than yours, wait your turn.”
This scarcity mindset keeps us constantly on guard, tuning our thoughts to others’ perceived needs and our own perceived limitations. It can deepen the very experience we’re trying so hard to avoid or escape.
What you can do instead
Recognising this pattern is powerful. And there’s even more power in choosing a different response — a step toward overcoming loneliness.
Prepare yourself for loneliness
Feeling lonely is part of the human condition. Awareness is the first step toward self-compassion — noticing your feelings without judging them or comparing them. Then you get to choose how you respond – calmly.
Empower yourself to get meaningful connection
Rather than asking, “How do I solve loneliness?” ask:
“What connection is meaningful for me, and what small step can I take to nurture it?”
Take that small step and choose connection
Even small acts of reaching out — to a friend, family member, or community — remind us that connection is not a limited resource. The more we share and receive, the more we feed connection (and starve loneliness).
Closing invitation
If this article resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Send it directly, post it on your socials, or pass it along in your networks.
Connection Starter Course
Meaningful connection is the antidote to loneliness.
If you’ve noticed yourself caught in comparative or competitive loneliness, this course helps you explore what meaningful connection looks like for you.
The Connection Starter Course walks you through how you can feel connected to your authentic self, the people who matter most, and your wider community.
This understanding helps you develop your personal Connection Plan — your roadmap to becoming, and staying, meaningfully connected.
That’s where we’ll leave it for now
We write to serve, support, challenge and inspire you as you grow into a more connected, intentional human.
Want more? Join our mailing list. It’s the only reliable way to stay connected to our work — no algorithms, no noise, just direct connection.
We send something once a week, or whenever we have something genuinely worth sharing.
And if you ever unsubscribe? No drama. We’ll still think you’re great.
Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
Comments