'Is this it?' Understanding the midlife crisis and what it really means
- Phil McAuliffe
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
A question often appears at some point in midlife: Is this it?
Let’s explore why that moment is important and why it may be a gift we didn’t ask for.
Hello my friend
There’s a time in midlife when we ask ourselves a question that’s difficult to ignore. The question can hit us like a bolt of lightning on an otherwise clear, blue-sky day. It can also nag at us with annoying persistence.
Is this it? Is this all that my life is?
It’s a question that makes us deeply uncomfortable. It prompts a life assessment. You can see that it’s not as if everything is falling apart. Rather, life may be working exactly as it’s meant to.
Things are stable. Your career is progressing. You’re meeting expectations. You might have a house, a car, be in a relationship and have caring responsibilities.
People rely on you. They need you to show up and deliver.
From the outside, things look fine. Even successful. You’re showing up and delivering.
Internally, that question ‘Is this it?’ nags at you.
The things that once motivated you don’t quite do it anymore. You still do them. You still do them well.
But there’s little excitement or joy.
You feel like you’re moving through your days on autopilot. You’re tired, but even a good night’s sleep does nothing to restore you.
Even though you’re tired, it’s hard to relax. There’s always the thought of what am I missing?
Let's give this symptom of a midlife crisis some meaning.
This is uncomfortable
You want to dismiss these uncomfortable questions, so you do what’s worked for you in the past: you put the questions to one side and power through.
You tell yourself that this is the life you’ve created and that everything you’ve achieved has led you towards this. You’ve built this life.
And that’s what makes ‘Is this it?’ so confronting.
Nothing is obviously wrong, but things no longer feel right.
You can fear that the answer to the question can make life more uncomfortable and makes things complicated.
It’s a common question
It’s common to ask ourselves big questions like ‘Is this it?’ in midlife.
But the commonness of the question does not make it any less unsettling or easier to answer.
What was once certain in life becomes less clear. Doubt begins to cloud everything.
Is this the career I want? Is this the relationship for me? Is this the life I want to live?
The questions can lead us to an isolated place within ourselves. We can feel disconnected from ourselves, from others, or from the life we are living.
Rather than the question prompting thoughts that everything is going wrong, it’s a sign that something is evolving.
Midlife is an important transition
Midlife is a time when the life we have known begins to transition into something else.
Our bodies change. Our roles change. Our relationships change. The way other people need us can change.
Amidst all this, there’s an existential change: the things that were once life’s absolutes no longer feel as certain.
Our sense of who we are can start to feel less settled.
This transitional time is deeply uncomfortable.
Midlife: the gift no one asks for
I understand that the statement ‘midlife is a gift’ could be confusing, if not upsetting and annoying. The thoughts and feelings we experience during midlife feel more like a curse than a gift.
Before you throw the device that you’re using to read this article across the room, hear me out.
The deep, existential questions, the unease, fatigue and disconnection are ways that life invites you to slow down. They’re invitations to reflect and understand who and what is important to you, and why.
They’re invitations to know your values and begin to live your values.
It’s a time to pause, assess, position and launch into the rest of your life.
These opportunities are rare. You can do it when you're young and deciding your future career path after completing formal education; but while you had book smarts, you didn’t have life experience.
You can do it as you face your imminent mortality; but there's precious little time to do anything about it.
Midlife is almost the perfect opportunity to reconnect with yourself and the people and things that you know are most important to you. You have experience, wisdom and – hopefully – time.
Those of us in midlife have the rest of our lives ahead of us. We’ve done remarkable things in the first half. A little discomfort and reflection now set us up for an amazing second half.
It’s time to lean into the discomfort
Many people don’t recognise this moment for what it is. And let’s be honest: Many don’t want to.
They dismiss the thoughts and feelings. They try to brush them aside to move past them.
They stay busy. They keep performing and tell themselves that this is just what life looks like now.
That might work. But the thoughts and feelings always return.
That’s not going to be you. You’ve read this far into the article because you feel seen and heard in your experience. You know that what you’re reading is true for you – even if that truth is uncomfortable.
You also know this as an uncomfortable truth: it’s time to lean into the discomfort.
I understand this discomfort. I’ve been there too.
Take some time
There is no need to rush to answers.
Recognising and accepting what is happening is the place to start.
What feels different than it used to? Simply notice it.
Pay attention to what energises you and what drains you.
Observe how your relationships and priorities may have shifted.
You’re beginning the process of understanding the life you’ve built and identifying what it feels like to be living it. These are the foundations of what's next.
The Three Pillars of Connection provide a framework
Meaningful connection plays an important role as you lean into the thoughts and feelings of midlife.
Our Three Pillars of Connection provide you with a framework to reflect on the quality of the connection you feel.
Connection to yourself – what matters to you now (not ten or twenty years ago)?
Connection to those most important to you – what are the relationships that support, challenge and sustain you?
Connection to community – do you spend time in places and spaces that are important to you?
Midlife is often when we begin to notice when these connections weaken or shift. That noticing is where recalibration begins.
Read more about the Three Pillars of Connection here.
What you can do now
Simply allow the question to be when you next notice it. Don't dismiss it or try to busy yourself and power through. What is life inviting you towards?
A place to start
If something in this article resonates, it may be pointing to a deeper question: what kind of connection is meaningful to you?
The Connection Starter Course helps you understand the quality of your connections and take practical steps to strengthen meaningful connection in your life.
You’ll develop your personal Connection Plan - a practical way to get the connection that’s meaningful for you.
Midlife is a gift we didn’t ask for. Don’t squander it.
It's time to get curious.
~ Phil
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