Feeling stuck in midlife and why waiting for the right time keeps you there
- Phil McAuliffe
- 20 hours ago
- 5 min read
You know things need to change, but you’re waiting for the right time.
This article explores how staying stuck in midlife comes at a cost.
It’s easy to feel stuck in midlife, even when everything looks like it’s going great from the outside.
Hello my friend
We’ve been looking at connection in midlife over the past few articles. As this is the final article in the series, I want to say this to you:
I understand. I get it.
Midlife is a weird time. We still think that we’re young, but our bodies are starting to show signs of wear and tear.
We think that we’ve got time, but we’re beginning to lose friends to illnesses that, when we were young, we thought only old people got.
We realise that our careers aren’t the markers of success we were told they’d be. Indeed, you may have realised that you’ve spent much of your life confusing external validation for success.
You’ve realised that the reward for good work is more work.
You’re beginning to understand the price you’ve been paying for all this chasing and climbing. You realise that your relationships and connections have withered. Your relationships with those most important to you. Those with your communities have suffered, too.
But perhaps the biggest sense of disconnection is that you feel lost within yourself; like you don’t know who you are.
You have the sense that your time is finite and – like fine sand – is slipping through your fingers.
Perhaps what’s most uncomfortable is that you realise that things need to change.
Change is hard
You’ve likely known that things have needed to change in your life for a while. But you’ve been avoiding it or doing more of what you’ve previously done in an attempt to stay ahead of your problems.
More work.
Drinking (you know, to take the edge off another tough day).
Drugs (illicit or prescription).
Exercise.
Travel.
Sex.
Overeating.
Shopping.
Gambling.
Parenting.
Caring.
Scrolling.
Busyness.
The list of ways that we can numb and distract ourselves from sitting with the need to change is endless.
We stay stuck, even when we know something needs to change. But change we must.
It’s just that in midlife the stakes feel so high. People rely on us. Our lives have been built around being in the right place by the right time to do what we need to do.
Making change in our lives has consequences. We will let people down. People will be disrupted. The delicate balance of our lives – and the lives of those around us – will be upset.
So, we wait until we know we can get the change right and in a way that maintains the balance.
We pay the price for waiting for the right time
While we’re looking for the right time, we’re paying the price internally.
We stay stuck. We stay lost.
And something within us begins to demand more of our attention.
To me, this dilemma feels like walking along the top of a narrow wall. If I get the change wrong and I fall, there are crocodiles on one side of the wall ready to rip me to shreds and there are alligators on the other ready to do the same.
But staying where we are is not an option. We must move.
My experience in midlife so far
Remember earlier when I said I understand the dilemma of change in midlife? Well, here’s a quick list of just how well I understand:
I realised that I was experiencing loneliness just before I turned 40.
I learned that despite being successful in the Australian Public Service (including in the prestigious field of diplomacy), I was not immune to the human condition.
I learned that being in a loving relationship and having wonderful children and friends did not make me immune to loneliness.
I learned how disconnected I was from my authentic self and how this was the barrier to the connection I needed.
This disconnection came from a lifetime of trying to do the right thing and meet the expectations I believed others put on me.
My father died.
I came out as gay to my then wife of 16 years.
I came out to our children.
I came out to the world.
Me being me ended a relationship and forever changed a loving family unit.
I became homeless.
I quit my job in a career I loved because it fed my loneliness.
My mother went 'no contact' with me.
I live with continued financial and career uncertainty.
That’s quite a list. I need to stop writing for a moment. There's a lot of emotions coming up just now.
[returning the next day...]
For all of that, I want you to see all these wonderful things happened because I accepted life’s invitation:
I met Jeff – who immediately made my life feel richer and more alive.
Our children have a father who’s more present and real.
Our children have a step-dad who loves them.
Our children have a mother who loves them.
I know my values and I live in alignment with them.
I meet and engage with people more authentically, being me in that moment, rather than a projection of what I think they want to see from me.
I started working on social connection.
I wrote a book, started three blogs (including the one you’re reading) and three podcasts.
I connected with a community of people who are also called to help others.
My message of empowerment, hope and inspiration has reached hundreds of thousands of people globally, helping them to understand the importance of meaningful connection and to empower and inspire them to choose it.
You and I have connected through the words you’re now reading. Hello!
Simply, I belong to me.
I learned that loneliness within my midlife crisis was the invitation that life gave me to be more me in the world. You wouldn’t be reading these words if I hadn’t accepted that invitation.
As I wrote in this article, the price has been high but the reward has been great.
Words from the late Dr Maya Angelou that changed my life.
Time to reflect
I have some questions for you to help you reflect on the changing roles in your life:
What is the opportunity before you?
What is the price you’re paying for waiting for the right time?
How can you make the time right?
What support do you need in your corner to help you navigate what’s ahead?
Staying stuck is a choice. What’s one thing you can do to feel a little less stuck?
Moving your body is a great place to start. Go for a walk. Put on your favourite song and dance like nobody's watching.
It's time to move.
A place to start
If you’re navigating the uncertainty of role changes in midlife and recognise yourself in this article, it’s worth pausing and understanding what’s going on beneath it.
It may be pointing to a deeper question: what kind of connection is meaningful to you?
The Connection Starter Course helps you understand the quality of your connections and take practical steps to strengthen meaningful connection in your life.
You’ll develop your personal Connection Plan — a practical way to get the connection that’s meaningful for you.
~ Phil
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