How ‘should’ gets in the way of meaningful connection: three ways to powerfully step into connection
- Phil McAuliffe
- Dec 20
- 5 min read
Words matter. One little word - should - can keep you stuck.
Discover three ways to shift your thinking and connect meaningfully with yourself and others.
Hello, my friend
All the humans I’ve coached and mentored over the past eight years know that I pay attention to the words that they use. They know that I do this because they often give us insight into what’s happening beyond the words being said.
Words are sometimes loose threads. Pull at them and what’s being covered by words, stories and beliefs quickly reveals itself.
Simply, words matter. There is one word that keeps us stuck: should.
This little word - this modal verb - gets used all the time. It gets used so often that we don’t even know when we use it.
I shouldn't eat this.
I should get out more.
I should prioritise connection.
And for this time of year: I shouldn’t feel like this.
Why should holds you back
There’s something that lurks underneath should
I’m not a psychologist or therapist. You’re receiving advice from me based on my own experience and what I’ve noticed about helping hundreds of humans in coaching and mentoring sessions over the past nine years.
Should is a word that suggests there's a story or a belief behind whatever you’re talking about.
It’s a story or belief that is usually running on autopilot that you don’t even notice when you say it or when you think it.
It sounds like: I should [insert word here] more/less.
Should drips in judgement, often running on autopilot, keeping us stuck without noticing.
Keep reading for an effective prompt to find out what’s underneath it.
Why should keeps you stuck
Shoulds are a non-committal answer. It’s a nothing response; just air carrying sounds.
No one can rely on a should, especially when it's used in something like: 'I should be able to make it’ when responding to an invitation.
The should in this case leaves something hanging in the air. There’s uncertainty. The response is open to interpretation. It speaks to something that's being left unspoken: perhaps that you’ll flake on the invitation at the last minute or you’re waiting for something better to come along.
Here’s what I want you to do
I’ve got some effective ways of cutting through the BS we all tell ourselves and each other when we use should.
1. ‘Who says?’ – Ask reflexively when you hear or use should.
Whenever you hear the word should being used around you - or you use the word yourself: ask 'who says?'
Make it reflexive. I do this during coaching and mentoring calls. It quickly pulls the thread to reveal the story or belief that the person I'm supporting didn't realise was there.
Your answer is where the good stuff is. If the answer is anyone or anything but ‘me’, get curious.
More on curiosity in a moment.
2. Replace with yes/no – Turn non-committal shoulds into clear commitments.
Instead of ‘I should be able to come’, replace should with yes or no.
Such clarity is an act of kindness to someone organising an event.
You then need to follow through on your commitment.
3. Reframe with ‘I get to’ – Transform obligation into opportunity.
Swap the obligation of should for the opportunity of I get to.
‘I should get out more’ becomes ‘I get to be more social’.
‘I should exercise more’ becomes ‘I get to move my body in ways that I enjoy’.
‘I should connect’ becomes ‘I get to spend time with someone I care about’.
It’s not a perfect reframe, but it does help you shift your mindset away from what you should do - and the obligation that comes with it - into something that you’re excited to do.
Feeling more connected
First, reflecting on your answer to the question ‘who says?’ helps you feel more connected to your authentic self – the first pillar of connection.
If the answer to ‘who says?’ is not you, who is it? Society? Your parents? Your friends? Past experiences or external influences?
Does the answer to ‘who says?’ align with your values and who you are today? If so, wonderful. Keep going.
If not, it’s likely that your words, thoughts and actions – your life – are being driven by stories and beliefs that are not yours. That’s something you get to explore further.
You simply cannot connect to your authentic self - the first pillar of connection - if you’re trying to connect to stories and beliefs that aren’t yours.
Secondly, replacing should with something committal, and reframing it with ‘I get to’, helps you connect within the other two pillars of connection to those most important to you and to your communities.
You’ll notice the difference within yourself. You’ll be committed. Others can rely on you because they’ll know that you’re true to your word. You’re far more likely to follow through on a commitment when you’ve committed to someone else.
You’ll also have a potent reframing tool for moments of loneliness. It turns ‘I shouldn’t feel lonely. I’m in a relationship. I have a great job and a house’ into ‘I get to find out what meaningful connection is for me.’
You’ll notice a shift in how you show up.
Enlist curiosity to get unstuck
These reframes help you turn latent, sneaky judgement into unashamed, open curiosity. Curiosity is what begins to move us through loneliness towards meaningful connection.
Judgement feeds loneliness. Curiosity kills judgement. Feed curiosity, starve loneliness
(This is a concept we explored in this article).
It all starts when you pay attention to should and begin eliminating the word from your thoughts and the words you speak.
Closing invitations
If this article resonated with you:
share it with someone who might need to hear it. Send it directly, share it on your socials, or pass it along your networks;
explore our blog and podcast episodes (listen or watch on YouTube) for more ideas and perspectives on social connection; or
get your connection plan through the Connection Starter Course.
That’s it for this article and for 2025
We’ve got some great content coming next year to help you become a more connected human. But for now, it’s time to enjoy a break over the festive season and the Australian summer.
We’ll be back in 2026 with a whole lot more content on the blog and our podcast that’s designed to help you become a connected human.
Subscribing to our mailing list means that you won’t miss any content in 2026. You’ll get an email from me each week or when there’s something new for you. And you can unsubscribe any time if you’re not feeling it anymore: we’ll still think you’re amazing.
The team and I hope that our work has served, supported, challenged and inspired you throughout 2025. We can’t wait to do more of it in 2026.
Until next time, be awesomely you.
~ Phil
Important:
All views expressed above are the author’s and are intended to inform, support, challenge and inspire you to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with your self, with those most important to you and your communities as an antidote to loneliness. Unless otherwise declared, the author is not a licensed mental health professional and these words are not intended to be crisis support. If you’re in crisis, this page has some links for immediate support for where you may be in the world.
If you’re in crisis, please don’t wait. Get support now.
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