'Dear Phil': Leadership and Loneliness: Why Employers Must Prioritise Connection at Work

In this ‘Dear Phil’ story, we support a leader who shares her loneliness on a remote worksite and explain why employers must prioritise human connection to support psychosocial wellbeing and success.

Employers must know the language of loneliness

Hello my friend    

In this edition of Dear Phil, a reader shares what it was like to lead on a remote worksite: outwardly confident and capable, but quietly struggling with loneliness. Her story is one of strength, silence, and a longing for connection in a workplace not set up to provide it.

You’ll see that she bravely and courageously reached out for help, but the words didn’t land. She didn’t need help to manage her workload, she needed connection.

Phil and Dr Hans respond with insight, compassion, and evidence. Their reflections uncover what happens when loneliness goes unspoken and unmet, and what it means to lead, support, and belong in the modern workplace.

Here’s the situation shared with us:

My first role within my career was a [highly skilled, technical job], I used to manage and run construction sites across [the country]. At first it was completely exhilarating, fun and engaging. Everything was new, the people, places and what we were doing. I always loved my job, but as the years went on and I worked away, the romance wore off.

I can remember a project where I was working at a[n isolated location], for 6 months. I would travel [a long way] on Sunday afternoon and travel home on a Friday. The project we were on meant that the team had to work on site whilst I stayed in the office on my own all day.

After the working day had finished, I spent an evening [in] a hotel on my own.

Because I was a site manager and female, it means staying with my team wasn't an option and we don't socialise that much.

Over time, I felt incredibly alone, my small problems turned into huge ones, and I felt like I was losing myself. I remember coming home to my mother one weekend and saying 'I feel like I just need a human hug, I need human connection' because I missed that presence from someone who fulfilled me.

I asked for help and support from my organisation, more relating to workload and nothing was provided. I guess this was the only way I knew how to reach out about how I was feeling or to communicate in some way that I wasn't myself. No help came, so I handed in my notice.

This experience affected my confidence and my self-esteem. This created a downward negative spiral in my mental health affecting my work productivity and concentration.

This feeling of being alone felt like I wasted time on social media, television and was unproductive at times. As stated before, I left my organisation because I didn't feel seen and then worked in an incredible team who shared my values, hobbies and would spend a lot of time with.

Phil says

First, thank you for sharing your experience with us.

Sadly, the situation you describe is all too familiar to many FIFO (fly-in fly-out) and DIDO (drive-in drive-out) workers I’ve supported over the years. It’s especially common when we’re in the minority in a workplace — whether that’s due to gender, ability, sexuality, age, relationship status or any other part of who we are.

I recognise that my opening paragraph may have sounded like “You’re not alone”, which can sometimes feel like hollow words of support and comfort. That platitude can fall flat when you’re the one living the experience.

I hope what I offer next is more helpful and supportive, both for you and for others reading along.

For me, the first part of what you’ve shared speaks to

The dilemma of leadership

You were leading a remote worksite, and I imagine others around you were also DIDO workers. As a leader, it’s likely you felt the need to show up in a certain way.

Understandably, you may have believed you had to appear eternally competent, especially while leading a team of men.

That sense of having to maintain a mask — of competence, of leadership — likely carried you through your workday. But when you returned to your hotel room, it was the only place you could let it slip. Stepping outside again meant putting it right back on.

This dynamic is something I know well from my previous career as a diplomat. Any time I interacted with someone outside my own head, I believed I needed to be the endlessly friendly, professionally capable Australian representative.

(As it turns out, that belief wasn’t true. My job became more meaningful — and more enjoyable — when I slowly began to let the mask down. This is an experience I’ve detailed here) 

It is exhausting to wear that mask, especially when loneliness is also present. I understand why you stayed in your room, watching TV or scrolling through social media. I do the same.

That tiredness you described likely deepened your experience of loneliness. This is something I explored in this article.  

But there’s something that I really want to focus on in your story.

Asking for support is hard when you don’t know the words to use

I believe you experienced the difficulty of reaching out for support — especially when you didn’t yet have the language to name what you were feeling.

I love that you asked your mum for a hug. That part made me smile. A hug from Mum is always a good thing.

Image: canva.com

But asking for support at work is different. Understandably, you couldn’t ask for a hug when you were having a tough day. It’s inappropriate. In those situations, we need to rely on our ability to use our words and ask for help. It’s far harder to ask when we don’t know the words to express what we’re going through.

At HUMANS:CONNECTING, we call this ‘the language of loneliness’ (we have a keynote on this topic).

When we can’t name what we’re experiencing (loneliness) or what we need (connection), we can often:

• Stay silent until we can find the right words and feel confident our request will be met without judgement or pity; or

  
  

• Ask for help using the language we do know, even if the words we use don’t quite capture what we need.

From your story, it feels to me like the second was true for you. You asked your organisation for support, which is no small thing. That alone is a win. But you framed it in a way that would be palatable to others — about workload, rather than loneliness.

In return, the support you received addressed the words you used, not the needs underneath. You acknowledged this yourself.

It’s important to say: this was not your fault.

Effective communication requires both speaking and listening. If your employer wasn't ‘loneliness aware’, they would only hear the surface of your request. They’d then respond from their own limited, though well-meaning, understanding.

Truly human-centred organisations respond differently

They recognise that meaningful connection is a core human need. They don’t just address the task or workload, they support the whole person, including their physical and psychosocial wellbeing.

These organisations are prepared to learn and understand the language of loneliness. They go beyond statistics or awareness days. They don’t speak about loneliness in the second or third person - as something that happens to you or “other people.”

Instead, they use first-person language. They speak from the heart and acknowledge that we all experience loneliness at different times.

They move from ‘Loneliness is...’ or ‘When you feel lonely...’ to ‘When we experience loneliness or disconnection...’ That subtle shift creates a sense of shared humanity. It reminds us that we’re truly not alone, beyond the empty platitude.

In these organisations, meaningful connection is part of every conversation about culture, wellbeing and leadership. They instinctively and reflexively know that every human needs to feel seen, heard and valued. That’s what builds belonging and an environment where the humans and the business thrives.

It’s disappointing that your former organisation, especially one involving remote work, wasn’t aware of this. They didn’t act to reduce the very real physical and psychosocial risks of loneliness and social disconnection.

In doing so, they lost you and all the insight, skill, experience and humanity you brought to the role.

I’m so glad to learn you’re now in a workplace where you feel part of a great team. You deserve nothing less.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You’ve offered something honest and important. In doing so, you helped others feel seen too.

Dr Hans says

I want to echo Phil in thanking you for sharing your story. Coincidentally, I was thinking about exactly this topic for a speech I prepared recently that dealt with loneliness at work. What struck me wasn't just the policy implications—it was how the research data reflected stories like yours: real people working in environments that weren't designed for connection.

What Our Data Actually Shows

Your experience as a female site manager working in isolation reflects a pattern we documented in our recent collaborative reanalysis of U.S. social isolation data. While headlines often suggest a dramatic "epidemic," our six-team analysis found something different: social isolation increased by only 24 minutes per day over 17 years.

But here's what matters for your story: the between-group differences were consistently larger—often by an order of magnitude—than changes over time. Our analysis revealed that who you are and how you work matter far more than when you worked. The differences between demographic groups, work patterns, and life circumstances dwarf any temporal trends.

Specifically, our data showed the largest disparities existed among older adults, Black Americans, and those with limited income. For work conditions, someone working 50+ hours versus 30 hours showed social engagement differences that were far more significant than any decade-to-decade shift.

 

The Cost of Organizational Blindness

When you asked for help, your organization heard "overworked" and could have tried to lighten your load. But the workload probably caused other problems. Such a response – had they provided it – still reflects a "loneliness blindness"—the systematic failure to recognize disconnection as a structural workplace issue.

The speech I prepared was for the European Parliament. As I said there, economic insecurity, long hours, and precarious conditions systematically erode the capacity for connection. Organizations that treat isolation as a side effect rather than as a core occupational hazard face predictable consequences: increased turnover, reduced innovation, and the loss of exactly the kind of experienced leaders they need most.

The replacement costs alone—150-200% of annual salary—pale beside the hidden costs of reduced team performance, knowledge transfer gaps, and the ripple effects on remaining staff morale.

Connection as Strategic Infrastructure

Your "incredible team" in the new workplace is a stark demonstration of what Phil and I firmly believe: connection at work doesn't happen by chance. It must be built into workplace structures through inclusive practices, protected time, and supportive norms.

In our European Parliament presentation, I emphasized three priorities based on the best available data:

• Economic insecurity fuels disconnection: Low income, job instability, and financial stress restrict opportunities for connection

  
  

• Work shapes our capacity to connect: Long hours, precarious contracts, and isolating environments make it harder to build relationships

  
  

• Connection must be intentionally designed: Organizations need training programs that foster psychological safety, empathy, and inclusion—especially in high-turnover or high-stress sectors

Image: canva.com

Organizations that understand this see measurable returns. The business case is straightforward: retention savings, productivity gains, and innovation advantages.

When you lose an experienced leader to preventable isolation, you face not just recruitment costs (typically 150-200% of annual salary) but also knowledge transfer gaps, team disruption, and lost institutional memory. Preventing these departures through connection-aware practices delivers immediate cost avoidance plus ongoing performance benefits.

 

Evidence-Based Intervention

 

Through ABSL and HUMANS:CONNECTING, we help organizations develop loneliness-aware leadership before problems escalate. Our training programs teach managers to:

• Recognize early warning signs of disconnection

  
  

• Distinguish between task and connection needs (solving the real problem)

  
  

• Create psychologically safe environments

  
  

• Design connection-supporting structures

For industries with remote or fly-in/fly-out patterns, this training addresses isolation proactively rather than reactively. The ROI calculation is straightforward: training investment versus turnover costs.

Even preventing a single departure of an experienced leader typically justifies the entire program investment.

From Individual Solutions to Structural Design

Our reanalysis revealed that the largest social connection disparities exist between groups, not across time. This transforms how we think about solutions. Instead of asking "How can individuals be more resilient to loneliness?" we ask "How can we redesign work structures so people aren't placed in lonely situations?"

Through LONELY-EU, we're building decision-support tools that help organizations and policymakers identify where their structures inadvertently create disconnection. Our monitoring framework will allow assessment of whether investments in labor, education, and workplace policies are improving connection—or unintentionally undermining it.

The Strategic Imperative

Your story demonstrates why connection isn't a nice-to-have employee benefit—it's a strategic operational requirement. Research shows that structural factors—not individual characteristics—drive the largest differences in social connectedness.

Organizations that recognize this gain sustainable competitive advantages: lower turnover, stronger team cohesion, and better innovation outcomes. Those that don't face predictable losses: the departure of talented leaders to preventable structural isolation, with all the associated costs of recruitment, training, and lost institutional knowledge.

The ROI equation is clear: the cost of connection-aware practices versus the cost of replacing experienced people. Since our research shows that structural factors drive the largest differences in social connectedness, organizations can predict and prevent these losses through targeted interventions.

Moving Forward

As I told European Parliament members, we need your leadership, investment, and commitment to make connection a core policy goal. The solution isn't teaching people to cope with isolation; it's building environments where people like you never have to choose between career success and human connection.

Your courage in sharing this story helps us move from abstract policy discussions to concrete understanding of what's at stake. Our research provides the evidence base, but stories like yours show the human reality behind the data.

The question isn't whether organizations can afford to invest in connection-aware practices.

Given what we know about the structural drivers of isolation and their costs, the question is whether they can afford the ongoing expense of losing talented people to preventable disconnection.

The ROI case writes itself: prevention costs less than replacement.

What we heard in this story is not unique, but it is urgent.

Loneliness at work doesn’t just affect feelings. It affects performance, retention, and wellbeing. And when connection is missing, so is the opportunity for people—and organisations—to thrive.

At HUMANS:CONNECTING and Annecy Behavioral Science Lab, we believe that meaningful human connection must be part of how we lead, how we support, and how we show up. Every day.

We’d love to hear from you. If this story resonated with you—or if you have one of your own— share it with us:

●       Complete this survey; or

●       Email us.

That’s it for this article

Thank you for taking some time to read these words. We provide them to serve, support, challenge and inspire you as you become a more connected human.

Subscribe to our mailing list if you want to see more of our content. The mailing list is the only way you’ll be guaranteed to see our content, because what you see will no longer be at the whim of an algorithm.

You’ll get an email from me each week or when there’s something new for you. And you can unsubscribe any time if you’re not feeling it anymore: we’ll still think you’re amazing.  

Until next time, be awesomely you.

~ Phil  

SUBSCRIBE AND STAY CONNECTED

PRODUCTS TO HELP END YOUR LONELINESS

Important:

All views are intended to inform and support. If you're in crisis, please don't wait - get support now from the resources linked on our crisis support page.